Sexist Liberals Divide Party by Excluding “Bernie Hoes”
“The left prides itself on inclusivity, but here I am having to scream ‘DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY GENDER!?'” Continue reading Sexist Liberals Divide Party by Excluding “Bernie Hoes”
Category: Donald Trump
Trump: “Let’s All Just Say Half of the Pledge and Call It a Day”
“I’d be fine if Americans just recited half of the Pledge of Allegiance and then carried on with school or whatever.” – Trump Continue reading Trump: “Let’s All Just Say Half of the Pledge and Call It a Day”
Democrats Are Lobbying Melania Trump to Have Sex With the President
Democrats are trying to persuade Melania Trump to bring the president to mindblowing climax. Continue reading Democrats Are Lobbying Melania Trump to Have Sex With the President
Democrats Will be Testing Trump’s Grasp of Object Permanence Tonight by Bringing Real People to The State of The Union Address
“Now, when I place Sajid in a crouching position behind me I’ll look for a confused expression on the president’s face. Soon thereafter – and here’s where it gets interesting – Sajid will pop out from behind me and…” Continue reading Democrats Will be Testing Trump’s Grasp of Object Permanence Tonight by Bringing Real People to The State of The Union Address
Trump Admits ‘The Polar Vortex is Caused by Climate Change’
“I’ve been calling it ‘Global Warming,’ but that’s just a trick folks; a term I use to make snowball jokes. My God, I’m so stupid.” Continue reading Trump Admits ‘The Polar Vortex is Caused by Climate Change’
President Trump Has Invited Nick Sandmann to Stand Six Inches From His Face at the State of The Union Address
“Nick will be up there competing for the same oxygen supply as the President for roughly an hour.” Continue reading President Trump Has Invited Nick Sandmann to Stand Six Inches From His Face at the State of The Union Address
Trump to Play Blackfaced ‘Ronald Klump’ Alongside Kanye West in Summer Blockbuster Movie
Early reports confirm Trump stars in the film as Ronald Klump, an “incredibly-relatable, African American Trump supporter who ventures on a mission to get Mexico to pay for the wall.” Continue reading Trump to Play Blackfaced ‘Ronald Klump’ Alongside Kanye West in Summer Blockbuster Movie
Nationwide Removal of All Confederate Statues Begins as Participation Trophies are Sent to Grieving Southerners
Trump is trying to rectify the situation by sending Civil War participation trophies to his seething supporters. Continue reading Nationwide Removal of All Confederate Statues Begins as Participation Trophies are Sent to Grieving Southerners
Desperate, Unpaid Government Employees Shift to Sex Work, Drug Trafficking
“Handies start at $18 and prices go up from there.” Continue reading Desperate, Unpaid Government Employees Shift to Sex Work, Drug Trafficking
US Announces ‘Whale Force’ Military Division
“We wanted to name it something to do with the color blue, because the ocean is blue, even from space. In the end we settled on Whale Force and I think that’s just fine.” Continue reading US Announces ‘Whale Force’ Military Division
Mueller: Gay Tryst, Pee Tape Emerged From Investigation
Trump starts gagging and declares that ‘the golden juice went down the wrong pipe!’ Continue reading Mueller: Gay Tryst, Pee Tape Emerged From Investigation
Lettuce Recall Helps Millions of Vegans Cut Carbon Footprint by Dying of Starvation
We may never understand what a vegan is, or why fish qualifies as a meat, but we’ll never forget that if global warming is real, at least the vegans died first.” – DonaldTrump Continue reading Lettuce Recall Helps Millions of Vegans Cut Carbon Footprint by Dying of Starvation
Remorseful Jim Acosta ‘What the Fuck Have I Done!?’
“Jim just got front row seats to Broadway’s shit musical ‘Adolph Twitler: The Fuckface von Clownstick Story’ Continue reading Remorseful Jim Acosta ‘What the Fuck Have I Done!?’
CNN Will No Longer Broadcast Anything About Trump
None of our anchors can say “Trump” without vomiting. Continue reading CNN Will No Longer Broadcast Anything About Trump
Gigantic Gold-Plated Package Left on White House Lawn
The package was a 6 foot tall, gold-plated cube that weighed nearly 3.5 tons. Continue reading Gigantic Gold-Plated Package Left on White House Lawn
Trail of Korean Water Ghosts is Closing in on America
“If all of this goes according to their godless plan, the Korean Water Ghosts will force us to follow their cultural views or be killed.” Continue reading Trail of Korean Water Ghosts is Closing in on America
Trump: ‘I’m Sending Every Tweet Through the Presidential Alert System From Now On’
Presidential Alerts cannot be turned off on mobile phones. Continue reading Trump: ‘I’m Sending Every Tweet Through the Presidential Alert System From Now On’
Trump Threatens Italy as Florence Strikes Coast
“It appears that he was not remotely aware of the situation and still probably isn’t.” Continue reading Trump Threatens Italy as Florence Strikes Coast