In an early morning press conference President Trump told reporters that he woke up to a humungous golden package sitting on the lawn.

“At first I wasn’t sure if it had always been there because I rarely stay at this dump,” Trump said. “But then I asked my maid Juanita, and Juanita said ‘no Mr. President that don’t belong here,’ so here we are.”

Trump claims that the package was a 6 foot tall, gold-plated cube that weighed nearly 3.5 tons.  When the president opened the side panel he said that he saw “about seven or eight nuclear bombs in there.”

“Look folks. This wasn’t a little ricin envelope,” Trump said. “Or a pipe bomb in a dinky Priority Mail Flat Rate® package. So cheap those things are. Right? Cheap and unreliable. Why do we have the postal office anyway? Get rid of it, I say!”

“Someone wants me dead folks! Someone really wants me dead!” Trump shouted. “More than anyone else. They want me the most dead. This would have made me very dead if it had gone off. I can guarantee you that. And the White House would have been pretty badly damaged.”

Trump says that he had White House staff remove the package from the lawn immediately and “that’s why nobody else saw the most beautiful, but deadly package the world has ever known.” When asked what will happen to the nuclear weapons, Trump said that they will be given to North Korea as an act of good faith and friendship.

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