Massive Opium Fields to Be Burned Off in Wisconsin After Monsanto-Bayer Merger Fails

The recent failed merger between Bayer pharmaceutical company and Monsanto agrochemical has led to the shutdown of over 1,000 genetically modified opium and baby aspirin fields that have been growing in the suburbs of Madison, Wisconsin.

“It looked like we were about to merge and be able to grow genetically modified drugs so we planted a ton of poppy seeds for opium and baby aspirin plants,” Bayer CEO Werner Baumann stated. “Now it looks like we’re going to have to burn off about 16 square miles of mature opium crop. So if you live in the area, buckle the fuck up on Saturday.”


Besides growing opium to make addicitve pain pills, the merger would have resulted in the planting of 700 acres of baby aspirin; a corn-based aspirin plant that can also be grown to an adult dosage size in just two extra months.

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