FDA Approves iPhone Birth Control App

Despite the fact that no research has been conducted, the FDA has approved a controversial iPhone birth control app as an alternative to other proven contraceptive methods. For just $29.99 a year, women not wishing to get pregnant will be able to use the unique app which has an estimated success rate “somewhere between 37% and 99%.”

The application which is named ‘iBort’ monitors a user’s menstrual cycle and body temperature. Using this information, the iBort app suggests dates and times when women have a lower chance of being impregnated.

Should an unwanted pregnancy occur, the iBort has an insertion option which allows the user to release low levels of radiation inside of the uterus. Those wishing to avoid potentially harmful radiation can opt for the Loud Shouting & Violent Shaking option in which the iPhone vibrates at “around 100 times harder than a normal phone” while letting out 120 decibels of sound.

“It will sound like an airplane is taking off inside of the user’s vagina,” iBort creator Justin Swartzky stated. “This, coupled with the violent vibrations should be enough to prevent further gestation.

Swartzky says that the prototype has been ready for years, but iBort had to wait for phones to catch up to their advanced application’s needs.

“We had the technology close to being finished in 2016 and once most phones became waterproof we pushed hard to get the product out,”

Those who purchase the app have the option of buying a reusable phone condom for just $5.99. There’s also a new function in development that Swartzky shared. For just $1.99, iBort users can opt for a more gentle method of iBortion.

“In lieu of jet noises and violent shaking, the iBort can read the daily news while inside of the user. If there’s a fetus growing in there, we believe it will just give up.”

The iBort app was entirely funded by the Clinton Foundation.

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