WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a 6–3 decision along political lines, the Supreme Court ruled today that non-consensual cosmetic surgery on male infant genitals remains fully legal, “so long as it’s done before the child can talk, walk, or scream ‘No!’” … Continue reading Supreme Court Confirms Parents’ Right to Remove Part of Child’s Penis for Non-Medical Reasons
In a bold move to address escalating tensions between Americans and the healthcare industry, UnitedHealth Group has announced a groundbreaking partnership with gun retailers and the National Rifle Association (NRA). The initiative offers steep discounts on premiums and bills to gun owners, … Continue reading UnitedHealth & NRA Partner with Retailers to Offer Incredible Discounts for Gun Buyers Who ‘Look Ready to Snap’
REDMOND, WA—Nintendo has announced their boldest game yet: Dr. Mario vs. Big Pharma, a high-octane spinoff where everyone’s favorite mustachioed plumber-turned-physician finally takes aim at the real villains—yacht-owning healthcare executives. In this groundbreaking addition to the franchise, players will guide Mario … Continue reading Nintendo’s New ‘Dr. Mario vs. Big Pharma’ Lets You Drop Giant Pills Directly on Yacht-Owning Executives
Ever noticed how America, despite its capitalist roots, isn’t purely capitalistic? Our economy blends elements of capitalism with robust socialist programs like Social Security and Medicare, designed to provide essential safety nets. However, our healthcare system statistically lags behind other … Continue reading Proving America Isn’t Purely Capitalistic: Why Republicans Hate Hearing It and How Their Resistance Leaves Us Lagging Behind Other Democratic Socialist Countries in Healthcare
The CDC announced today that anyone who refuses to give their vaccination status should be considered unvaccinated for the health and safety of others. “When people throw a fit when asked the simple question ‘are you vaccinated?’ then you can … Continue reading Everyone Who Throws A Fit For Being Asked Vaccination Status Accurately Marked As Unvaccinated
The Food Network announced today that they have come to an agreement with Guy Fieri on a new contract after a two week long discussion and multiple doctor’s visits to check up on Fieri’s health. Because of test results, the … Continue reading Food Network Signs $80 Million Contract With Guy Fieri For 3-Years, Or Until Death By Heart Attack
A new anti-abortion bill is close to becoming law in Texas after it passed 83-64 in the House yesterday. Senate Bill 8 would allow doctors to halt the hearts of pregnant women while they check to see if the fetus … Continue reading Texas Law Would Allow Doctors To Stop Mother’s Heartbeat In Order To Listen For Fetus’
Despite being almost completely engulfed in flames, the states of California, Washington, and Oregon were still ranked by US News & World Report today as being “decidedly better to live in” than all of the southern states. “With more than … Continue reading Now 90% on Fire, Entire US West Coast Still Ranked Better to Live in Than The South
Several presidential candidates have been funneling donations into private health savings accounts in order to pay for their personal healthcare and medical bills as they inch closer and closer to death each day. Donald Trump, age 73, lead in fundraising … Continue reading Elderly presidential candidates use millions in donations to pay for their personal medical bills
An industry-wide spike in the price of birth control has bumped the average monthly cost from $47 up to $125, forcing many women to have to choose between a pill that prevents pregnancy and a hideous article of clothing that … Continue reading A spike in birth control costs is hampering women’s ability to buy mom jeans
After announcing a new partnership with Planned Parenthood, PepsiCo. is temporarily closing over 500 Taco Bell – Pizza Hut Express® restaurants to renovate the establishments into Planned Parenthood – Pizza Hut Express® reproductive health and pizza chains. “We’ll be offering … Continue reading 500 Planned Parenthood-Pizza Hut Express® chains are opening across the US
Now it’s possible to avoid having to pay a doctor for their time spent curled up on the operating table next to your barely-clothed, unconscious body. Continue reading Surgeons Will No Longer Be Required To Take Naps Halfway Through Operations
Those who take prescription drugs made by Pfizer will not be able to notice the difference. Continue reading Pfizer Releases Pills that Slowly Deduct Money from Your Bank Account
