An unhinged Rudy Giuliani went on NBC’s Meet the Press this morning to announce that he is now being possessed and legally represented by deceased criminal lawyer Johnnie Cochran. According to Giuliani, the famed O.J. Simpson lawyer took over his body after the former New York City Mayor made a deal with the devil. “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit!” Giuliani yelled. “And there isn’t even a glove involved here! Tell me where the flaming glove is!?” Trump’s wide-eyed lawyer shouted while lighting a wool mitten aflame and waving it in the air. Because of Giuliani’s public meltdown, there is now growing concern among Democrats that the president’s lawyer could easily avoid corruption charges with a simple insanity plea. Advertisements
Another Tennessee Titans mascot has spontaneously combusted on live TV, the latest during last night’s game against the Indianapolis Colts. Investigators say this is the fifth T-Rac the raccoon to burst into flames without a know cause. Stadium Photo by Casey Fleser
Facebook is saying sorry once again after a photo of Mark Zuckerberg’s pale, white penis was accidentally sent to over 11 million users. The photo was deleted from inboxes within seconds, but not before countless people were treated to a view of the billionaire’s flaccid pastey-snake and bright red, unkempt pubic brush fire; an image that proves, once again, that you really can’t have it all. Photo credit Anthony Quintano
Cohen poured 14 gallons of gasoline, began playing ‘Spark the Fire’ by Gwen Stefani, and lit the contents of the dumpster before biting the heads off several chickens.
“You won’t hear about this, but I burned down the Notre Dame Cathedral,” Beck confirmed live on Fox & Friends. “This was France’s 9/11 and if I weren’t there to see it firsthand, you’d never know it was me: Glenn Beck, a casual, disposable, everyday Islamic terrorist.”
Gillette says they intend to replace the marketing team with all female, yet conservative employees “so both sides shut up.”
The amount of marijuana that Mr. Sessions consumes on a daily basis is staggering.