White House chief of staff Mark Meadows has ordered FDA chief Dr. Stephen Hahn to either authorize the Pfizer vaccine by the end of today or submit his letter of resignation. The ultimatum comes despite countless, repeated remarks from the administration that downplayed the severity of the coronavirus. Experts say the rush to approval has only worked to lower confidence levels in the vaccine.

“It’s imperative that Dr. Hahn approve the vaccine today! As we’ve said before, the virus is totally under control and no worse than the flu, but we need the vaccine right fucking now! We also want to remind the general public that the virus will go away on its own. So I mean, it’s whatever, but Hahn better do what we say or we’re firing that worthless piece of shit,” Meadows shouted.

“Even though COVID will disappear like a miracle, and even though it’s a hoax – a viral lie that swept the globe – Dr. Hahn will be shitcanned if people aren’t getting injected by tomorrow,” Meadows stated. “If we don’t get what we want we may just pause testing altogether which would actually drop case levels drastically; possibly even better than a vaccine. So to be clear, if Dr. Hahn doesn’t approve the Pfizer vaccine today, which we don’t even need, then he will be out on his ass.”