Jeff Sessions is Using Marijuana to Cope With His Job

Nobody is quite sure why Jeff Sessions is putting up with so much humiliation from Donald Trump and stubbornly clinging to his position as Attorney General. But, we do now know how he is managing to cope with the stress: Marijuana.

Reportedly, Sessions partakes in several smoking sessions throughout the day.

“The Attorney General usually starts the morning with 2 or 3 long, hard bong rips before climbing out of bed,” a staffer said. “Lately he’s been smoking Jack Herer or Super Sour Diesel when he wakes up. He calls it his ‘coffee’.”

“For breakfast he usually eats strawberry banana pot-cakes, medicated cheddar biscuits, and weed bacon. He washes this all down with canna-coffee,” the staffer said. “By this time it’s about 7am and Mr. Sessions has ingested around 50mg of THC.”

When lunchtime roles around the Attorney General often grabs a True OG pre-roll blunt from Senator Sanders, walks to the Lincoln Memorial, climbs up onto Lincoln’s lap and sparks one up.

Jeff Sessions lights one of Senator Sander’s blunts during an hour-long speech by Trump.

Some members of Congress also say that Sessions is notorious for doing dabs right before any interaction with Donald Trump – which explains his deadpan, glazed-over expressions in most photos taken near the president.

Many are now wondering how the Attorney General could be so strongly opposed to marijuana usage in the United States in light of the news. So far the only speculation is that Sessions is a greedy marijuana leprechaun.


Jeff Sessions (left, leprechaun) and Mike Pence (right, homosexual) explain to an elated crowd of conservative donors how they are using marijuana to target and imprison minorities.

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