Mars Rover Found Dead From Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.” Continue reading Mars Rover Found Dead From Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation
Category: Health & Wellness
Democrats Are Lobbying Melania Trump to Have Sex With the President
Democrats are trying to persuade Melania Trump to bring the president to mindblowing climax. Continue reading Democrats Are Lobbying Melania Trump to Have Sex With the President
A Face-Licking Epidemic is Freaking Out Floridians
“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,” Continue reading A Face-Licking Epidemic is Freaking Out Floridians
Demand for Structurally-Reinforced Toilets Spikes as More Obese Americans Poop With Their Smart Phones
“I think that my aunt needing 57 stitches in the buttcheeks and rectal region is a strong selling point for the product.” – Kholer President & CEO Continue reading Demand for Structurally-Reinforced Toilets Spikes as More Obese Americans Poop With Their Smart Phones
McDonald’s is Giving Away Red Heart Disease Awareness T-Shirts With Purchase of Grand Big Mac Meal
The 1,750 calorie meal has made its return for the month of February only. Continue reading McDonald’s is Giving Away Red Heart Disease Awareness T-Shirts With Purchase of Grand Big Mac Meal
Louisiana Governor Proposes 24-Hour Paid Maternity Leave
“We’re giving new mothers 24 hours off, 8 of which will be paid. That leaves plenty of time for doing Kegels.” Continue reading Louisiana Governor Proposes 24-Hour Paid Maternity Leave
Entire ‘Beach Club’ Episode is Lindsay Lohan Getting Smacked in the Face
“I have never seen that much blood.” Continue reading Entire ‘Beach Club’ Episode is Lindsay Lohan Getting Smacked in the Face
4 in 5 Men Think Masturbating With Another Man ‘Isn’t Gay’
A poll of 565 men has found that 82% did not believe mutual masturbation to be a homosexual act, with respondents expressing a sentiment that touching cock isn’t gay, but lips touching lips is gay – meaning that emotional intimacy … Continue reading 4 in 5 Men Think Masturbating With Another Man ‘Isn’t Gay’
Surgeon Gives Justice Ginsburg 3rd Lung to ‘Allow for Epic Bong Rips’
Ginsburg is maintaining a steady high with edibles from Senator Sanders until her new lung is healed. Continue reading Surgeon Gives Justice Ginsburg 3rd Lung to ‘Allow for Epic Bong Rips’
Lettuce Recall Helps Millions of Vegans Cut Carbon Footprint by Dying of Starvation
We may never understand what a vegan is, or why fish qualifies as a meat, but we’ll never forget that if global warming is real, at least the vegans died first.” – DonaldTrump Continue reading Lettuce Recall Helps Millions of Vegans Cut Carbon Footprint by Dying of Starvation
World’s Remaining Nice People ‘Strongly Considering Not Being Taken Advantage of Anymore’
We’re leaning toward ‘acting just like all of you fucking assholes.’ Continue reading World’s Remaining Nice People ‘Strongly Considering Not Being Taken Advantage of Anymore’
Tenacious Justice Ginsburg Lands 720 Gazelle Flip With 3 Broken Ribs
Ginsburg didn’t know she’d broken her ribs until bruising showed through her tattoos. Continue reading Tenacious Justice Ginsburg Lands 720 Gazelle Flip With 3 Broken Ribs
Guys: Here’s Why You Should Let Her Put Stuff in Your Booty
“It’s not like we’re asking them to carry our purses up there – although that would be ideal and hopefully it leads to that.” Continue reading Guys: Here’s Why You Should Let Her Put Stuff in Your Booty
Bewildered Hurricane Responders Begin Arduous Task of ‘Moving Everything 10 Feet to the Right’
“Honestly, I think we’re just going to move every piece of debris 10 feet to the right and see if that helps,” Long stated. Continue reading Bewildered Hurricane Responders Begin Arduous Task of ‘Moving Everything 10 Feet to the Right’
Chef Starts Cannibalism Diet Trend Across United States
Garten has been raising her own humans for consumption in a coop next to her garden. Continue reading Chef Starts Cannibalism Diet Trend Across United States
Columbus Day: Exxon Discovers, Spills Oil on Native American Land
Dawn has sent 5,500 bottles of soap to help clean thousands of Native Americans who are now covered in oil. Continue reading Columbus Day: Exxon Discovers, Spills Oil on Native American Land
Kavanaugh to Be Moved to Top of Liver Transplant List if Confirmed
“Kavanaugh needs a liver by Christmas and the Democrats don’t give a lick!” – Senator Lindsey Graham
#Kavanaugh #FBIReport #SupremeCourt Continue reading Kavanaugh to Be Moved to Top of Liver Transplant List if Confirmed
Trump: ‘I’m Sending Every Tweet Through the Presidential Alert System From Now On’
Presidential Alerts cannot be turned off on mobile phones. Continue reading Trump: ‘I’m Sending Every Tweet Through the Presidential Alert System From Now On’