Kavanaugh Avoids Sex Scandal by Becoming Ordained Priest Overnight
“He’s found a loophole here and it’s simply stunning.” – Rudy Giuliani Continue reading Kavanaugh Avoids Sex Scandal by Becoming Ordained Priest Overnight
Category: America
National Association of Funeral Directors Says Photos of Dead are ‘On Fleek’
“It’s crazy to say it, but you almost wish they weren’t dead.” Continue reading National Association of Funeral Directors Says Photos of Dead are ‘On Fleek’
Tomorrow is National Insurance Fraud Day!
“If enough of us do it, they can’t catch us all.” Continue reading Tomorrow is National Insurance Fraud Day!
Trump Threatens Italy as Florence Strikes Coast
“It appears that he was not remotely aware of the situation and still probably isn’t.” Continue reading Trump Threatens Italy as Florence Strikes Coast
Study: Millennials are the First Generation to Not View Pornography for the Plot Line
“These kids aren’t fully investing themselves in the vibrant artistic expression and riveting stories.” – Jane Meyers, Head of Stanford’s Sex & Gender Studies Continue reading Study: Millennials are the First Generation to Not View Pornography for the Plot Line
FDA Approves iPhone Birth Control App
“It will sound like an airplane is taking off inside of the user’s vagina,” iBort creator Justin Swartzky stated. Continue reading FDA Approves iPhone Birth Control App
US Health & Human Services Encourages Bulimia Over Anorexia
“If you are going to pick one, pick bulimia. That’s all we’re saying here.” Continue reading US Health & Human Services Encourages Bulimia Over Anorexia
Melania Trump Had Secret Meeting With Divorce Lawyers Regarding Russian Adoptions
Melania’s emails have been released to the public in an act of transparency. Continue reading Melania Trump Had Secret Meeting With Divorce Lawyers Regarding Russian Adoptions
Dole Recalls 27 Million Bananas for Having Penis DNA
Banana sales have increased by 27% in the United States. Continue reading Dole Recalls 27 Million Bananas for Having Penis DNA
White Americans Will Be Allowed ‘JUST ONE’ 911 Call Per Year
“It really comes down to time and resources.” Continue reading White Americans Will Be Allowed ‘JUST ONE’ 911 Call Per Year
An iRobot Roomba 690 Robot Vacuum with Wi-Fi Connectivity has Been Running the Country since late 2017
“The first idea that it runs into is the decision that we go with.” – Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross Continue reading An iRobot Roomba 690 Robot Vacuum with Wi-Fi Connectivity has Been Running the Country since late 2017
Trump Thinks He Nominated Glenn Sturgis from ‘Superstore’ to Supreme Court
Trump intended to nominate Mark McKinney who plays the role of Glenn Sturgis in NBC’s ‘Superstore’. Continue reading Trump Thinks He Nominated Glenn Sturgis from ‘Superstore’ to Supreme Court
Trump is Selling ‘Urine-Scented’ Perfume
‘MAGA’ is a unisex perfume boasting liquefied $100 bills as a key ingredient. Continue reading Trump is Selling ‘Urine-Scented’ Perfume
Starbucks is Opening Separate Restrooms for Black Customers
“Overall, we just want to make everyone feel more welcome and safe at Starbucks.” Continue reading Starbucks is Opening Separate Restrooms for Black Customers
President Trump Has Strangled a Bear Cub to Death on the North Lawn
This was a direct response to outcry from PETA regarding changes in Alaskan hunting regulations which would… Continue reading President Trump Has Strangled a Bear Cub to Death on the North Lawn
Uber Eats Now Offers Pre-Chewed Meals
Customers can choose from: Careful Crunch, Medium Munch, or Gnarly Gnaw. Continue reading Uber Eats Now Offers Pre-Chewed Meals
Nearly Half of Boy Scouts Become Forest-Dwelling Socialists
It is not uncommon for Bear Cubs (scouts as young as 8 or 9 years old) to leave their families for a better life in the forest. Continue reading Nearly Half of Boy Scouts Become Forest-Dwelling Socialists
U.S. Veterans to Get Lifetime Supply of Gasoline
‘The number of homeless veterans wheeling hundreds of gallons of gasoline through bustling urban centers could be a huge safety problem.’ Continue reading U.S. Veterans to Get Lifetime Supply of Gasoline