President Trump Has Strangled a Bear Cub to Death on the North Lawn

President Trump violently strangled a bear cub to death on the White House’s North Lawn today. The viscous and repulsive act was a direct response to outcry from PETA regarding Trump’s interest in repealing Obama-era rules barring hunters on some public lands in Alaska from baiting animals.

Specifically, the move by the White House would allow hunters to lure out and kill mother bears and their cubs using donuts, bacon, revealing clothing and spotlights. The same goes for wolves and their pups; while hunters can also use dogs to track and kill black bears and motor boats to shoot swimming caribou.

Before strangling the bear cub until it was a lifeless ball of fur laid out across the cold, freshly cut grass of the North Lawn, Trump nicknamed the 2-month-old animal ‘Baby Baloo’ and stated “would you look at Baloo? Little Baby Baloo. Look at him. Isn’t he cute? I think he is folks, he really is”.

Meanwhile, the Alaska Professional Hunting Association has applauded the potential change in regulations, commenting that “this smart loosening of the laws would dramatically increase trophy hunting tourism in Alaska for men with tiny penises.”

The dead bear cub which Trump named ‘Baby Baloo’ was later beheaded and mounted in the Oval Office.

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