Desperate, Unpaid Government Employees Shift to Sex Work, Drug Trafficking
“Handies start at $18 and prices go up from there.” Continue reading Desperate, Unpaid Government Employees Shift to Sex Work, Drug Trafficking
Category: America
US Announces ‘Whale Force’ Military Division
“We wanted to name it something to do with the color blue, because the ocean is blue, even from space. In the end we settled on Whale Force and I think that’s just fine.” Continue reading US Announces ‘Whale Force’ Military Division
Heartbroken Ford Owners Euthanize 874,000 Shitty Pickup Trucks
Mass graves are filling up outside of the Ford Truck Plant in Dearborn, MI. Continue reading Heartbroken Ford Owners Euthanize 874,000 Shitty Pickup Trucks
Surgeon Gives Justice Ginsburg 3rd Lung to ‘Allow for Epic Bong Rips’
Ginsburg is maintaining a steady high with edibles from Senator Sanders until her new lung is healed. Continue reading Surgeon Gives Justice Ginsburg 3rd Lung to ‘Allow for Epic Bong Rips’
Banned Bump Stocks Will Be Recycled as Sex Toys, Justice Department Says
“We do strongly prefer that they be handed over as they’ll be repurposed as thrusting devices in sex toys.” Continue reading Banned Bump Stocks Will Be Recycled as Sex Toys, Justice Department Says
Mueller: Gay Tryst, Pee Tape Emerged From Investigation
Trump starts gagging and declares that ‘the golden juice went down the wrong pipe!’ Continue reading Mueller: Gay Tryst, Pee Tape Emerged From Investigation
Lettuce Recall Helps Millions of Vegans Cut Carbon Footprint by Dying of Starvation
We may never understand what a vegan is, or why fish qualifies as a meat, but we’ll never forget that if global warming is real, at least the vegans died first.” – DonaldTrump Continue reading Lettuce Recall Helps Millions of Vegans Cut Carbon Footprint by Dying of Starvation
Remorseful Jim Acosta ‘What the Fuck Have I Done!?’
“Jim just got front row seats to Broadway’s shit musical ‘Adolph Twitler: The Fuckface von Clownstick Story’ Continue reading Remorseful Jim Acosta ‘What the Fuck Have I Done!?’
Tenacious Justice Ginsburg Lands 720 Gazelle Flip With 3 Broken Ribs
Ginsburg didn’t know she’d broken her ribs until bruising showed through her tattoos. Continue reading Tenacious Justice Ginsburg Lands 720 Gazelle Flip With 3 Broken Ribs
Subaru Openly Markets Car Finish for Lesbians
Previously Subaru had used coded marketing tactics to reach lesbians. Continue reading Subaru Openly Markets Car Finish for Lesbians
CNN Will No Longer Broadcast Anything About Trump
None of our anchors can say “Trump” without vomiting. Continue reading CNN Will No Longer Broadcast Anything About Trump
NRA Billboards Encourage Mass Shooters to Become Event Planners Instead
The NRA is utilizing “balloon art guns” and the hashtag #LiterallyDead as part of their marketing. Continue reading NRA Billboards Encourage Mass Shooters to Become Event Planners Instead
Bewildered Hurricane Responders Begin Arduous Task of ‘Moving Everything 10 Feet to the Right’
“Honestly, I think we’re just going to move every piece of debris 10 feet to the right and see if that helps,” Long stated. Continue reading Bewildered Hurricane Responders Begin Arduous Task of ‘Moving Everything 10 Feet to the Right’
Columbus Day: Exxon Discovers, Spills Oil on Native American Land
Dawn has sent 5,500 bottles of soap to help clean thousands of Native Americans who are now covered in oil. Continue reading Columbus Day: Exxon Discovers, Spills Oil on Native American Land
Kavanaugh to Be Moved to Top of Liver Transplant List if Confirmed
“Kavanaugh needs a liver by Christmas and the Democrats don’t give a lick!” – Senator Lindsey Graham
#Kavanaugh #FBIReport #SupremeCourt Continue reading Kavanaugh to Be Moved to Top of Liver Transplant List if Confirmed
Trump: ‘I’m Sending Every Tweet Through the Presidential Alert System From Now On’
Presidential Alerts cannot be turned off on mobile phones. Continue reading Trump: ‘I’m Sending Every Tweet Through the Presidential Alert System From Now On’
Sexual Predator Could be 2nd Alien on Supreme Court
“The investigation is not meant to be a space expedition. Unfortunately, we don’t have a Space Force yet.” – Kellyanne Conway Continue reading Sexual Predator Could be 2nd Alien on Supreme Court
Senate Republicans Hire Hooters to Cater Kavanaugh Hearing
“I just don’t see the problem here.” – Senator McConnell Continue reading Senate Republicans Hire Hooters to Cater Kavanaugh Hearing