“Because you can’t fire a gun in the bedroom, it can be very difficult for our members to achieve an erection without penis pills.”
Crime
Local Priest Hopes Replacing Incense with Marijuana Goes Over Well
“I’ll be watching the donation basket like a hawk as it goes around. You toss a $20 in there and you better believe I’m throwing a few extra sassy swings in your direction during the pot parade.”
Glenn Beck Converts to Islam, Burns Down Notre Dame Cathedral
“You won’t hear about this, but I burned down the Notre Dame Cathedral,” Beck confirmed live on Fox & Friends. “This was France’s 9/11 and if I weren’t there to see it firsthand, you’d never know it was me: Glenn Beck, a casual, disposable, everyday Islamic terrorist.”
Breaking: Extremism Ban Passes US House & Senate
“If you’re banned you’ll be relocated to a garbage island off the coast of New Jersey.” – Nancy Pelosi
Trump is Building a ‘Golden, Mansion-Style Prison’
Trump said that the new complex would be “an experiment representing a new approach for overhauling the prison system and has nothing to do with Michael Cohen’s testimony.”
Leaders of Catholic Church Gather to Watch ‘Men in Black II’ & Build Memory-Erasing Machine
“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.
A Face-Licking Epidemic is Freaking Out Floridians
“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,”