Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was caught on back to back days having businesses in San Francisco illegally style and remove hair from both her head and her anus. Pelosi says that she was tricked into receiving both services … Continue reading Backdoor Business: Nancy Pelosi Caught Getting Anus Waxed Day After Blowout
Was it a cult leader or a world leader? Are you smart enough to know whether it was Charles Manson or Donald Trump who said these 10 quotes? [Grab a pencil. Answer key after article] 1. “Believe me, if I … Continue reading Who Said It: Donald Trump or Cult Leader Charles Manson?
The corpse of deceased convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was found hanging in a tree outside of his mausoleum in Loxahatchee, Florida this morning. Authorities investigating the incident say that two night watchmen on duty last night failed to make … Continue reading Epstein digs up and hangs himself again after cemetery night watchmen forget to monitor his burial site
President Trump is sending federal agents to the US suburbs in order to show citizens just “how easy it is to take their mail.” The move comes in an effort to prove that mail-in ballots will cause large-scale voter fraud … Continue reading Trump Sends Federal Agents to Suburbs to Demonstrate How Easy It Is to Steal Your Mail
Despite deadly counter-charms and curses, another horcrux was destroyed by rioters in Minneapolis last night. Witnesses say that the horcrux, which was poorly disguised as the Third Precinct Police Building, tried to protect itself by apparating countless angry men from … Continue reading Rioters Destroy Police Station, Leaving Just Three More Poorly-Disguised Horcruxes
A blood stain is one of the most challenging stains to remove from your floors. This week we’ll be teaching you how to remove blood from your hardwood or linoleum floor using Totally Spot-Less Bleach powered by Clorox 2®. Step … Continue reading How do I get this out? Your guide to blood removal with Clorox bleach
An official Medical Examiner report says that Jeffrey Epstein was strangled to death by a fellow inmate during incredibly hot, consensual erotic asphyxiation. “Although the two inmates did have a safe word, Epstein was unable to say it,” the report … Continue reading Medical Examiner rules Epstein’s death caused by asphyxiation during hot, gay prison sex
“We had a brief window of opportunity here and we didn’t take it,” presidential candidate Cory Booker stated. Continue reading White House Quietly Removes Treason From Offenses Punishable by Death
“Holy hell! C’mon people. Do I need to spell it out for you!?” – Robert Mueller Continue reading Annoyed Robert Mueller Snaps: “Oh My God, Just Impeach the Bastard Already!”
“The children’s entertainment and pizza chain explicitly stated that Vice President Mike Pence will not be allowed inside after his furry tail butt plug incident months back.” Continue reading Mike Pence, Other Furries Banned From All Chuck E. Cheese’s
“It’s sheer chaos,” New York Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. “Our pussies have gone mad with power.” Continue reading New York’s Streets Run Red With Blood After State Bans Cat Declawing
Due to the lack of legal consequences, throngs of hallucinating residents have congregated downtown at the 16th Street Mall to touch each other’s faces. Continue reading Most of Denver’s Population is in It’s 30th Hour of Tripping Balls Since Mushrooms Were Decriminalized
Cohen poured 14 gallons of gasoline, began playing ‘Spark the Fire’ by Gwen Stefani, and lit the contents of the dumpster before biting the heads off several chickens. Continue reading Steve Cohen Sparks Massive Dumpster Fire on House Floor, Bites Heads Off of Live Chickens
The former FBI Director enrolled in a pottery class Anderson Cooper attends in an attempt to get him to sit in between his legs while whispering key findings in his ear. Continue reading Trapped & Furious: Dead Robert Mueller Can’t Cross Over to Spirit Realm Until Barr Releases Full Report
“Because you can’t fire a gun in the bedroom, it can be very difficult for our members to achieve an erection without penis pills.” Continue reading The NRA Spent Hundreds of Millions of Dollars on Viagra for Executives
“I’ll be watching the donation basket like a hawk as it goes around. You toss a $20 in there and you better believe I’m throwing a few extra sassy swings in your direction during the pot parade.” Continue reading Local Priest Hopes Replacing Incense with Marijuana Goes Over Well
“You won’t hear about this, but I burned down the Notre Dame Cathedral,” Beck confirmed live on Fox & Friends. “This was France’s 9/11 and if I weren’t there to see it firsthand, you’d never know it was me: Glenn Beck, a casual, disposable, everyday Islamic terrorist.” Continue reading Glenn Beck Converts to Islam, Burns Down Notre Dame Cathedral
“If you’re banned you’ll be relocated to a garbage island off the coast of New Jersey.” – Nancy Pelosi Continue reading Breaking: Extremism Ban Passes US House & Senate
