Scott Walker will now have to flush his system of illegal substances in order to qualify for unemployment assistance.
Continue reading Scott Walker Begins Sobering Up to Qualify for Unemployment Assistance
“I almost gave up and started drawing patterns in the bubbles, but then I remembered I was voting.” Continue reading Nervous Voters Voice Concern Over Correct Ballot Answer Always Being (D)
None of our anchors can say “Trump” without vomiting. Continue reading CNN Will No Longer Broadcast Anything About Trump
The package was a 6 foot tall, gold-plated cube that weighed nearly 3.5 tons. Continue reading Gigantic Gold-Plated Package Left on White House Lawn
“If all of this goes according to their godless plan, the Korean Water Ghosts will force us to follow their cultural views or be killed.” Continue reading Trail of Korean Water Ghosts is Closing in on America
Presidential Alerts cannot be turned off on mobile phones. Continue reading Trump: ‘I’m Sending Every Tweet Through the Presidential Alert System From Now On’
“I just don’t see the problem here.” – Senator McConnell Continue reading Senate Republicans Hire Hooters to Cater Kavanaugh Hearing
“It appears that he was not remotely aware of the situation and still probably isn’t.” Continue reading Trump Threatens Italy as Florence Strikes Coast
Melania’s emails have been released to the public in an act of transparency. Continue reading Melania Trump Had Secret Meeting With Divorce Lawyers Regarding Russian Adoptions
Banana sales have increased by 27% in the United States. Continue reading Dole Recalls 27 Million Bananas for Having Penis DNA
Trump intended to nominate Mark McKinney who plays the role of Glenn Sturgis in NBC’s ‘Superstore’. Continue reading Trump Thinks He Nominated Glenn Sturgis from ‘Superstore’ to Supreme Court
“Overall, we just want to make everyone feel more welcome and safe at Starbucks.” Continue reading Starbucks is Opening Separate Restrooms for Black Customers
‘The number of homeless veterans wheeling hundreds of gallons of gasoline through bustling urban centers could be a huge safety problem.’ Continue reading U.S. Veterans to Get Lifetime Supply of Gasoline
A painting by President George W. Bush shows his prediction of the future. Continue reading Trump Signs Reckless ‘Paperless Earth’ Green Initiative Into Law
Obama was confronted while leaving a mosque. Continue reading Obama Shows Kenyan Birth Certificate After Leaving D.C. Mosque
“I wouldn’t necessarily call it cheating. That’s not the correct wording,” said Bilichick. Continue reading Tom Brady on Super Bowl: ‘I Plan to Cheat Again’
“Look people, this is ludicrous, Jesus was a white man,” said Kelly. Continue reading Pope Orders All ‘White Jesus’ Figures Removed from Churches
The North Korean leader then flipped open a glass-encased red button, pressed it, and was immediately torn apart – along with the rest of his country – by a faulty nuclear missile. Continue reading North Korea Accidentally Nukes Itself
