WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move critics are calling “a confession in legislative form,” Donald Trump signed an executive order today lowering the federal age of consent to 10 years old. The decree retroactively changes the law beginning in 1946 – the year Trump was born – in order to “better reflect the timeless values of very powerful men.”

Trump explained the decision in a press conference.

“People are saying, ‘Sir, you promised to release the Epstein files.’ And I ‘m saying, ‘I hear you, but first, let’s update the rules,’” Trump smiled while gesturing at several visibly uncomfortable Girl Scouts. “These girls all know how to say ‘no.’ In fact, they all already have. It’s really that easy!”

When asked if the FBI and Department of Justice would now be releasing the Epstein files, Trump said no.

“Since no crimes have occurred, I just don’t see the point,” Trump grinned. “God got Mary pregnant at age 12, so I think we’re in the right ballpark.”

Analysts estimate between 20,000 and 40,000 inmates could be released under the retroactive age reduction.