“People who have to smell their food before eating it are complete monsters.”
Hopes are high for this sequel as the original 1997 hit raked in over $1.5 billion worldwide.
“Contrary to popular belief, fingerlike appendages do not exit the butt and press on the phone screen, that’s poop you’re thinking of.”
“We’re not saying that blind people should encircle DeVos and beat her with their white canes,” the statement read. “But we’re not, not saying it either.”
Early reports confirm Trump stars in the film as Ronald Klump, an “incredibly-relatable, African American Trump supporter who ventures on a mission to get Mexico to pay for the wall.”
Gillette says they intend to replace the marketing team with all female, yet conservative employees “so both sides shut up.”
“We wanted to name it something to do with the color blue, because the ocean is blue, even from space. In the end we settled on Whale Force and I think that’s just fine.”
“Americans can expect to see Christmas decorations in stores for around 5 to 6 months out of the year.”
Mass graves are filling up outside of the Ford Truck Plant in Dearborn, MI.
“Jim just got front row seats to Broadway’s shit musical ‘Adolph Twitler: The Fuckface von Clownstick Story’
“Overall, we just want to make everyone feel more welcome and safe at Starbucks.”