Joe Biden has reportedly agreed to hire Elizabeth Warren to cleanse the White House with sage before moving in. The decision comes after Warren reached out to the Bidens yesterday, telling them that she was concerned the building needed “an authentic, Native American sage purification to get all of the toxic Trump energy out.” Photo Credit Gage Skidmore
When asked today how he felt about the Trumps not following tradition and inviting his family to the White House, Joe Biden told reporters that he wasn’t bothered by it at all. “It’s no skin off my nose! We all know the man’s a chicken-hearted, white-livered chucklehead,” Biden laughed. “He’s all hat and no cattle. And he can try to avoid me all he wants, but I promise that I’ll be visiting Trump when he goes to prison. Because I’m a considerate guy like that.” When reached for comment, the White House released a statement saying that they didn’t know which crimes Joe Biden was accusing the president of committing. “If Joe Biden thinks Donald Trump committed a crime, then he’s going to have to be a lot more specific so we can address his particular claims because right now there are literally dozens of open court cases and lawsuits against the President.”
Former NBA player Charles Barkley was checked into the hospital last night after he told a stunned TV audience that NBA, NFL, and NHL players should be given the COVID-19 vaccine first “because they pay more in taxes.” By the time he finished his statement, Barkley’s body had already subconsciously removed his right shoe and sock from his foot and begun pulling the appendage up to his mouth. He then unhinged his jaw and firmly lodged the entire size 16 foot into his mouth before the show cut to commercial. As of press time Barkley’s foot had been successfully removed from his mouth, but doctors warned that – because of his unchecked privilege – the former athlete is also very susceptible to getting his head stuck up his own ass.
Citing a lack of anonymity as being their primary mistake, countless arrested domestic terrorists who stormed the Capitol now say they regret not wearing white, pointy hoods like their grandparents had during riots past. “Collectively, we should have learned from our family histories about how this works,” accused terrorist Jake Chansley stated. “We should have stormed the Capitol while wearing hoods and robes, not horns and furs.” Indeed, countless insurrectionists now find themselves on the no-fly list, facing felonies, and very likely to be barred from voting or owning guns. “All of these arrests could have been avoided if we’d just embraced our grandparents’ fashion choices for such events,” Chansley stated. “My God. Have we learned nothing from history!?” As of press time, many of the arrested domestic terrorists were blaming president Trump for telling them what to do, but not how to go about getting away with it.
Hundreds of pigeons bearing handwritten messages from Donald Trump were released from the White House today after Trump was banned from Twitter and nearly every other social media site. The president – who was annoyed by the birds flying around and shitting on him in the Oval Office – had the birds’ wings clipped, thus preventing them from flying and essentially banning himself from using pigeons as a method of communication. Notably, experts have pointed out that the birds weren’t even carrier pigeons. As of press time nearly 1,000 now-flightless birds were walking around and defecating on the White House’s North Lawn.
In a rare Sunday vote, Congress managed to pass a stimulus bill that will send one hundred $6 checks to every American. “Although we couldn’t agree on a higher amount, we did come to the conclusion that one hundred checks would make a much bigger impact, visually speaking,” Nancy Pelosi stated. “So I hope your mailbox is big enough, because they’re all coming at once!” Meanwhile president Trump called the bill “a huge step in the right direction.” “If my math checks out, that’s $6,000 for every American citizen,” Trump smiled. “I asked for $2,000, I get $6,000!” As of press time, the US Postal Service announced that the undertaking was literally impossible. Photo credit Bjoertvedt .