Ted Cruz fights bill banning members of Congress from watching porn at work

The bill was expected to pass unanimously, but has turned into an inexplicable, one-man filibuster by Ted Cruz.

Facebook Dating app has a “sharing” function that could lead to orgies


Facebook announced its new dating app which will connect potential lovers using complex algorithms. Notably, the app also helps couples in open relationships to share partners, which can be done an unlimited amount of times. Authorities monitoring the app say they’ve already confirmed several sex parties that have been organized through the service. Since people noticed the polyamorous easter egg, usage has only spiked in Utah. Meanwhile, those in the South are demanding that the Facebook Dating app stop excluding relatives from matching results. Photo by Rawpixel Ltd

Respectful gun enthusiasts are leaving their weapons unattended outside of stores


Gun lovers are showing their respect for new rules at stores across the nation by leaving their weapons unattended outside the front doors. At one point, a Walmart in Cypress, Texas had over 250 firearms stacked out front.

Trump frantically seeks new high after ordering all Sharpies be removed from the White House


We’ve all seen the president sniffling and rubbing his nose, but we now know his drug-of-choice was actually marker huffing, not cocaine. Yesterday, after Trump held up an inaccurate, Sharpie-altered map of Hurricane Dorian’s trajectory, countless Sharpie memes mocking the president’s flub flooded the internet. It appears that president Trump didn’t take the jokes too well because, as of this morning, White House staff have already spent 13 hours scouring the building for Sharpies and giving them to Republican lawmakers to get high before writing more bills. Meanwhile, Trump went around sniffing everything and anything while fighting withdrawals and searching for that next high. Finally, after hours, the president seems to have settled on huffing his spray tan solution which has made his nose noticeably more orange than the rest of his body.

Trump temporarily blocked from using nuclear armed dolphins against hurricanes


House democrats killed a republican-sponsored bill today that would have allowed president Trump to detonate nukes in the eyes of hurricanes utilizing trained dolphins. The 272-158 vote reportedly infuriated the president who immediately went on Twitter to vent his anger.

Michigan bans flavored alcohol and vape products as concerns over addiction in children grow


The state of Michigan passed sweeping legislation today banning the sale of flavored alcohol and vape products. The state claims that the flavors encourage smoking and drinking among minors. “There’s growing evidence that flavored products could have negative health impacts,” Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer stated during a morning address while lighting a cigarette and pouring a tall glass of straight Jack Daniels. “Behind the candy taste is a product that hooks kids and adults alike,” Whitmer stated while blowing billowing smoke rings. “It’s a public health crisis.” The state says it doesn’t plan to outlaw regular-flavored drugs until lawmakers are no longer using them. Photo credit Vangoghvodkagreece

25 grocery store chains ban open carry, leaving gun owners nowhere to hunt for food


With Walmart and Kroger banning open carry in all of their stores, there are now over 25 different grocery chains that have limited people’s gun rights. Gun activists say there’s almost nowhere to use their weapons to kill and eat their food now. “For me it’s a comfort thing. I always shoot my meat before throwing it in the cart,” NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre stated. “You gotta make sure it’s dead before you touch it. Overall, the grocery store is a dangerous place.” With so many food stores banning open carry, many gun owners are afraid that they will no longer be respected in public out of fear alone. “My guns define who I am as a person, and that person is small, scared and insecure,” LaPierre stated. “If people aren’t nervous around me, then I really have no other redeeming qualities. What else am I supposed to do, and where else can gun owners hunt for food? It’s not like there’s some big, open land or forest we can go to.”

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