It might be illegal, but top employers from around the country, including Walmart, Amazon, Kroger, Home Depot, and FedEx have started asking interviewees the screening question: “Who won the 2020 election?” The corporate decision to ask such a question comes after companies realized that candidates who know how to properly process and understand reality make for much better employees. “Basic reasoning skills are inherently beneficial when working at Kroger stores,” CEO William Rodney McMullen stated. “The last thing we want is for the employees stocking our shelves to start building a wall of canned garbanzo beans while yelling at non-white customers to ‘go back to whatever aisle they came from, and to keep out of aisle 26!’” Several individuals have already filed lawsuits against many of these Fortune 500 companies, but judges have yet to rule in their favor; instead, out of pity, they’ve suggested that plaintiffs file an insanity plea to help them not have to pay the legal fees during their unemployment.
During his second impeachment, Donald Trump’s lawyers revealed that they have “damning evidence” showing high-ranking Democrat leaders participating in an “underground fight club” in the basement of the Capitol building. “The Democrats are claiming that the violence at the Capitol was set off by Donald Trump, but we now have clear evidence showing that these same Democrats have been hosting their own violent, fight-to-the-death events within the hallowed grounds of our nation’s Capitol,” Trump lawyer Michael van der Veen stated. “So, it only follows that the violence at the Capitol started with them.” “To be clear, this isn’t about asking distracting questions like ‘what about this, or what about that?’” Michael van der Veen affirmed. “It’s more about asking yourself ‘what else might possibly seem to matter that doesn’t have anything to do with this trial?” van der Veen then continued while pointing to a poorly-Photoshopped PowerPoint slide depicting top Democrats. “What about this!? What about this so-called Capitol insurrection really matters in light of this new evidence? What about the not-so-crazy idea of actually believing in this new evidence we’ve shown today?” the wide-eyed lawyer asked while pointing to yet another poorly Photoshopped image, this time of a bloodied and bruised Nancy Pelosi. “Mr. Trump is innocent, so what about we start a new trial focusing on the damning evidence that we’ve put together here instead!? What about it folks?”
In a concerted effort to distance themselves from Donald Trump, a group of over 120 conservative politicians held a Zoom call this week to discuss creating a third party called ‘Republicans Against Trump’ (RATs). The party is described as “basically the same, but far, far less overt in their racism.” Notably, Senator Mitch McConnell was just one of the high-ranking politicians who has taken the lead in the RATs movement. “Simply put, there’s no place for Mr. Trump’s anything-but-subtle racism. He’s hijacked the Republican party by repeatedly saying the quiet part out loud,” Mitch McConnell told reporters. “They call it a ‘dog whistle’ because not everyone is supposed to hear it, but Donald might as well be shouting the N-word from the rooftops.” McConnell says that his fellow RATs plan to focus on issues such as enhancing voter suppression among minorities, blocking any immigration by brown people, and supporting the caging of children while pushing for the deportation of their parents. “As RATs, we are very serious about this. We want to separate ourselves from Donald Trump just as much as we want to separate those children from their parents,” McConnell stated. Photo credit Gage Skidmore.
As the clock ran out on Super Bowl LV, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid looked up at the scoreboard and said he knew deep down that something fishy was going on. “I felt sick to my stomach. There were points on the board that seemed to come out of nowhere,” a visibly frustrated Reid stated. “Not to mention there’s no way that a sleepy, 43 year-old Tom Brady could have defeated a young, spry 25 year-old Mahomes without cheating. That’s a fact.” The red-faced Reid continued. “The Super Bowl is far from over! If you believe in a free and fair NFL, then we must stand up against this travesty,” Reid stated. “As far as I’m concerned, we’re still the reigning Super Bowl champions and we won’t relinquish this title to a bunch of cheaters.” In response to the accusations, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell gave a public statement. “I don’t know why the Chiefs think they can change the outcome of a game when we all clearly saw what happened. It was broadcast live on national television,” Goodell stated. “Honestly, if they want to have any chance at challenging the Super Bowl results, they should consider moving to an alternate reality.” As of press time, countless Chiefs fans were congregating in Midtown Manhattan to listen to Andy Reid give an impassioned speech about the so-called controversy before turning around and storming the National Football League Headquarters.
The NFL made the astonishing announcement today that they have deflated 72 footballs to Tom Brady’s ideal pounds per square inch (psi) in preparation for the Super Bowl. Unsurprisingly the revelation has left many in the league both baffled and upset, prompting the NFL to explain its actions. “Except for the 36 footballs that will be used for kicking, we’ve gone ahead and deflated the pigskins to Tom Brady’s ideal firmness. Specifically, we’ve taken them from 13 down to 9.7745 psi in order to ensure for a more exciting and high scoring game,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated. Goodell admits the deflated footballs will give Brady a “slight advantage” over Patrick Mahomes, but emphasized that it will give the Chiefs quarterback a “somewhat easier time” throwing the ball. Goodell then mentioned that the NFL was trying to account for Brady’s age. “Tom Brady is 43 years-old, Mahomes is only 25,” Goodell stated. “So, in a way, we’ve sort of evened the playing field here.” Goodell concluded his announcement by adding that referees will also be assisting Brady and the Buccaneers. “If the footballs aren’t enough to help Tampa Bay win, we’ve given our refs the go-ahead to make erroneous pass interference calls against the Chiefs in the 4th quarter,” Goodell stated. “Honestly, we’ll do pretty much anything we can to help Mr. Brady reach his 7th Super Bowl victory. It just makes for a good story.” Photo Credit All-Pro Reels
House Republicans have agreed to a proposal by representative Matt Gaetz’s (R-FL) requiring that every committee meeting start by singing the National Anthem 3 times and then reciting the Pledge of Allegiance 10 times in a row. The move comes despite the fact that the entire House of Representatives already recites the Pledge of Allegiance at the beginning of each day’s session. “If Democrats aren’t willing to join us, then I think it makes it pretty clear where they stand. They are Antifa, socialist-communists who hate America,” Gaetz stated before hugging, kissing and then gently humping the American flag. “The pledge and anthem are two of the greatest weapons given to true patriots in their battle against evil. So I just don’t understand why Democrats can’t say these simple, virtuous words signaling dedication, faith and allegiance to our great flag and nation. This is – without a doubt – far worse than inciting a so-called insurrection.” In response to Republican outcry, Democrats released a statement that read: “We already say the pledge at the beginning of the day. What representative Gaetz is suggesting is pure performative bullshit. So if the Republicans want to waste 15 minutes of every meeting – amounting to hundreds of millions of wasted taxpayer dollars throughout the course of a year – us Democrats will be spending that time doing real work for the American corporations people.”
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is stepping down from his position in order to enter rehab for a severe case of money addiction and to help stop an ongoing identity crisis. Those close to Bezos say that for years the billionaire has been constantly consumed by dressing up like a dragon and thinking of ways to obtain more and more money. “Jeff truly believes that his self-worth is tied to cash and his greatest fear is that he will go bankrupt,” one person close to Bezos stated. “He also seems to think he’s a dragon.” In fact, Bezos can’t even go to bed at night unless he’s wearing a dragon onesie and there’s a huge pile of money for him to lay on. “He can’t sleep until his staff covers his bed with at least $5 million in gold coins and stacks of cash. Mr. Bezos then dresses up in one of his many dragon costumes and sprawls out on the mountain of money to fall asleep,” the source stated. The final straw for the board of directors was when Bezos began insisting on wearing his dragon onesies to the office; even for important meetings. After this went on for awhile, the board voted to force the billionaire to step down and seek help. “Jeff would roar and growl at employees and potential business partners while in meetings and walking the halls,” the source stated. “One time he scared the CEO of FedEx so much that they cancelled a shipping partnership for a few hours before other higher ups at Amazon were able to smooth things over. I truly wish Jeff the best of luck.”