President Trump accidentally voided his bowels during a campaign rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma today. The violent episode of explosive diarrhea occurred during a part of his speech about loyalty to the country in which Trump also spoke out against Democratic Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar and Ayanna Pressley. “You’ve got these brown foreigners from my shithole… these shithole countries trying to invade… trying to invade my…” a wide-eyed Trump paused. “My pants!” Trump then cut his speech short and shuffled sideways offstage. White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany denied that President Trump had drained his swamp on stage, stating “If you’re wearing a diaper, and you’re wearing it correctly – which today he was – then the fecal matter technically does not touch the pants, and therefore, one could not say that the president shit his pants.” Photo Credit Matt Johnson
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced today that they will be detaining and quarantining all Trump rally-goers in Tulsa, Oklahoma immediately after the president finishes his speech. People in the building will have no choice in the matter as the coronavirus waivers they agreed to included a quarantine clause from the CDC. “Those who weren’t smart enough to read the waiver will now be spending the next three weeks in quarantine,” CDC Director Robert Redfield confirmed. “So that’s everyone who has chosen to go inside the building.” Redfield says that they’ve made space at seven ICE detainment camps near the Texas-Mexico border and that “there’s plenty of hard, concrete floor for these illiterate people to spread out on.” “It’s already been made perfectly clear by Republican leadership that these ICE camps are safe and humane places,” Redfield stated. “So unless there’s any new, unforseen objection, that’s where these rally-goers will be staying.” Photo Credit Gage Skidmore
UCLA has fired head coach Chip Kelly and replaced him with the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, Dr. Anthony Fauci. The schools says the decision comes after realizing that they can’t win if the whole football organization comes down with COVID-19 for weeks on end. “It’s estimated that almost every team will be stricken with the coronavirus at some point in the season,” UCLA athletic officials stated. “Having the leading immunologist in the nation coaching our team on how to avoid contracting COVID will be instrumental in the Bruins making it to the national championship.” Soon after UCLA’s announcement, and just minutes after being hired, Dr. Fauci went ahead and cancelled the UCLA football season entirely, stating that “even if the coronavirus disappeared today, there is still no safe way to play the sport of football as it currently exists.”
Quaker Oats announced today that their Aunt Jemima brand syrups and pancake mix will be renamed Antifa Jemima. The switch to using the word ‘Antifa,’ which stands for anti-fascist, signals the beginning of the end of racism during breakfast time. “Aunt Jemima’s origin is based on a deeply offensive racial stereotype, so we’re making a big change,” Quaker Oats spokesperson Jacquie Powers stated. “Whereas ‘Aunt Jemima’ is flat out racist, ‘Antifa Jemima’ is flipping the script to counterbalance the damage our brand has caused for decades. Consider this name change just a small part of the sticky-sweet justice of reparations.” Original photo credit
It’s here! McDonald’s has announced their all-new McKaren sandwich. The fast food chain says the new food option is guaranteed to be ready in 30 seconds or less, in store, or it’s free. “As a tribute to all Karens, the McKaren is comprised of an all-white bun with nothing of substance inside; making it easy to ensure that your meal hasn’t been poisoned,” McDonald’s CEO Christopher Kempczinski stated. Currently, as part of a promotion, Karens can get a free McKaren if they complete a mobile order and then wait in line at the drive-thru for some fucking reason. They will then be handed a receipt and be told to park in a mobile pickup spot. Notably, if the sandwich takes longer than 30 seconds to be delivered to the vehicle, a robot with a manager’s name tag will go up to Karen’s car and just stand there while being shouted at. McDonald’s says the robot is also capable of apologizing while spitting out free meal coupons for up to eight hours.
(Green Bay, WI) Local man Justin Loughty says he’s tired of being called a racist just because he hates minorities. Loughty says he’s being unfairly discriminated against his whole life and that he plans to start a group that will welcome everyone in the area – no matter who they are – so long as they look and think just like him. “I also want an inclusive, protected area or space; something for guys like me,” Loughty stated. “Something for guys who find friends by using a variation of the n-word – such as ‘ninja’ – when around unfamiliar company. You know, people who throw the white power hand sign as a ‘joke’. Simple things like that.” Loughty says the final straw for him was when his daughter brought her black boyfriend from college home. “He had the nerve to call me racist! I know in my heart that I don’t feel racist, but my daughter will not be dating a black guy!” Loughty shouted. “I didn’t even know we had those around here and we aren’t giving grandma a stroke.” As of press time, Loughty had decided not to start his own group as he found that at least four similar organizations already existed in Wisconsin.
A Gallop poll on happiness was released today that shows more than 70% of millennials are “totally okay with dying, like literally right now.” Here are the top 10 reasons that were given by participants: 10) Can’t afford health insurance anyway. 9) A forever nap actually sounds rather nice right about now. 8) Mercury is in retrograde. 7) Racism. Like, A LOT of it. 6) Had to go deep into student loan debt just to get a job that pays $18/hr. 5) My Chemical Romance. 4) Had to move back in with parents. 3) Bored. Looking for something new to do. 2) Serotonin has been depleted from impulsive hair coloring. 1) We’re trapped in a cold, unforgiving world full of hate, ignorance and violence, and left here to slowly wither away, suffering, and eventually dying alone.