John and Sarah Malbeck of Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin say a rocking chair they inherited when they purchased their first home is haunted by an incredibly boring ghost. The chair, which has been in the basement since the couple moved in, has been seen rocking back and forth on its own on multiple occasions. “If you go downstairs, the chair may or may not start rocking,” John Malbeck stated “That’s it. That’s all that happens. We told you this wasn’t newsworthy.”
Republicans began Saturday’s impeachment hearing by allowing the president to enter the chamber, drape an American flag on the Senate floor, drop his pants, shuffle his body over the flag, and take a sizable shit. The spectacle took place while ‘America the Beautiful’ played over the speaker system. Experts are calling the president’s poop both a “power move” and “a solid representation of the Republican legal defense.” Within minutes the smell of feces in the room became so unbearable that McConnell had a staffer locate a lighter. The Senator then set the flag aflame while blaming Democrats for the unbearably rank odor.
After taking over 5,200 photographs of male genetalia, experts at Cornell University have released a computer-generated image of what the average male penis looks like. This is an image of the most basic dick:
Users of the popular gay dating and hookup app ‘Grindr’ have reported that Vice President Mike Pence had a countdown to impeachment on his profile that only remained visible for a few minutes. One user managed to snap a screen shot of Pence’s profile before it was changed. Later the two men met at the vice president’s home in Washington D.C. whereupon Pence gave the man a rusty trombone for nearly 4 hours while masterfully performing several patriotic songs with his lips.
The first case of the coronavirus has hit the US and the Center for Disease Control has partnered with Corona Light to raise a glass and some awareness. The two organizations say the cure could be as simple as drinking an ice-cold, refreshing Corona Light. “Although we can’t pinpoint what’s causing the virus to spread, we can unequivocally state that drinking a crisp, lime-infused Corona Light with a salted rim could very well be the cure,” CDC Director Robert Redfield stated. “Now, for legal reasons I have to state that there’s no evidence that cracking open a frothy brew with your best friends and getting with all the ladies will prevent or cure the disease, but there’s also zero evidence to prove otherwise.”
With Mitch McConnell’s push for a late night impeachment trial, herpetologists everywhere have begun speculating that the Senator is likely part desert tortoise. “The desert tortoise is known for sleeping underground throughout most of the day and then crawling out during the cooler afternoon and nighttime hours,” University of Kentucky Herpetology professor Horace Bartjis stated. Tortoise experts everywhere agree that this seems to be the case with McConnell. “In common public opinion, tortoises are just cold-blooded, unthinking and unfeeling creatures,” Bartjis stated. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.” Fellow Republicans say they plan to slowly roll McConnell on his back tomorrow to determine his sex. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Black Americans across the country are seriously considering risking their lives by staging and open carry rally outside of the White House. While still in the early planning stages, the group would hold the gathering in order to get president Trump to pass gun control legislation. “It worked when the Black Panthers open carried in California,” gun control advocate Terrell Jenkins stated. “In fact, Ronald Reagan passed the Mulford Act banning the public carrying of loaded guns while he was governor in that state.” As of press time most political scholars believe that president Trump would enforce strict gun laws if the black community holds an open carry rally anywhere near the White House. Meanwhile, the NRA has called for background checks and waiting periods for all Americans who are trying to purchase a firearm. “It just kind of clicked for us all of a sudden,” NRA President Carolyn Meadows stated. “We get it now.” photo credit Lorie Shaull