The largest chain of Italian-themed restaurants in the United States – Olive Garden – has placed all 840 of its locations under mandatory quarantine after Italian Premier Giuseppe Conte put a lockdown on travel across the entirety of Italy. The decision by the premier is to stop the spread of coronavirus, while the inexplicable move by Olive Garden has left over 86,000 guests and employees needlessly locked inside of restaurants across the US. Olive Garden’s parent company Darden Restaurants Inc. says the decision is in line with the restaurant chain’s Italian authenticity, which the company prides itself on. “Darden and Olive Garden take branding very seriously,” CEO Eugene Lee stated. “As such, our guests are being asked to remain at their assigned booths or tables and enjoy time with their friends, family, unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks.” As of press time Darden plans to keep all guests and employees under lockdown until Guiseppe Conte ends the mandatory quarantine. This decision comes despite the fact that hundreds of guests are already beginning to show early warning signs of diabetes and heart disease. Photo credit Mike Mozart
(Waukesha, WI) Because of the coronavirus, local man Jeremy Rhiner says he’s preparing for the very real possibility that he will have to drive his three kids 1,274 miles to Disney World. “It’s probably only a matter of time before they halt all air travel,” Rhiner stated. “And there’s no way to cancel a trip to Disney World without your kids hating you forever.” As of press time, Rhiner was licking doorknobs in hopes that he’ll infect his entire family, allowing him to cancel the 2-day roadtrip and vacation.
Photo credit Robin
Presidential candidate Joe Biden stated today at an Alabama rally that all of his easily-offended supporters need to stop saying that all Bernie Sanders supporters are internet trolls and bullies. “Bernie Sanders’ loudest and most controversial supporters represent less than 5% of his following,” Biden stated. “We can’t be whiny mooncalves who can’t handle a tiny group of rapscallions. Y’all need to buck-up and move on. There’s a block button for a reason.” Meanwhile, an overwhelming majority of Sanders supporters – who all condemned the so-called “Bernie Bros” – had already returned their focus to trivial issues such as climate change and universal healthcare.
Morgues across the United States are preparing for the next three days of death and carnage as Daylight Savings Time (DST) is upon us once again. The annual extreme spike in American deaths was first directly linked to DST by a Swedish study in 2008 which found that the chances of having a heart attack goes way up in the first three weekdays after changing over to DST in spring. “Not only are the number of heart attacks tripled, but the time change is also responsible for a sizable increase in traffic deaths on the following Monday,” mortician Gregory Daines grinned. “On top of this, there are more severe workplace injuries and unfortunate miscarriages in the days following the start of Daylight Savings Time.” “It’s a great time of year to be in the death business,” Daines stated while steepling his fingers. “Hopefully I’ll make enough money to take a trip to somewhere outside of my basement this year, and maybe have a morgue-arita or three.”
Presidential candidate Tom Steyer took the stage with Marilyn Manson in South Carolina today, just a day after white-boy twerking on stage with Juvenile to ‘Back That Ass Up’. Notably, Steyer sang the chorus to Manson’s chart-topping song ‘This is The New Shit’ which goes like this: Babble babble bitch bitchRebel rebel party partySex sex sex and don’t forget the violenceBlah blah blah got your lovey-dovey sad-and-lonelyStick your stupid slogan inEverybody sing along Steyer, who also came out wearing dark eyeliner like Manson, says that the alternative metal performance was all a part of his plan for reaching the younger voting demographic.
After the artists who created the Philadelphia Phanatic mascot asked to be compensated for their work, the Philadelphia Phillies went ahead and modified the character to avoid making a payout. The team says that other than adding a two-foot cock, their mascot will still be the same antic-filled, animated goofball he’s always been.