In a narrow 151-139 vote, Iranian Parliament voted today to allow women to star in pornography. Up until today, women had been barred from appearing in any adult films or printed magazines. “No longer will we have to dress young men as women in order to shoot our films,” Iranian President Hassan Rouhani smiled. “No longer will we have to pretend that we aren’t masturbating to thinly-veiled gay porn.” Going forward, Rouhani says that any citizen caught viewing the old Iranian porn will be stoned to death for being a homosexual.
An investigation is underway after Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell was severely injured moments after opening a package that contained several plastic bags and straws. McConnell, like most turtles, tried to put the foreign objects in his mouth to gain an understanding of what they were. Instead of learning anything, McConnell ended up nearly choking to death on a plastic bag while lodging a straw firmly up his nose. To make matters worse, the Senator is now scared and refusing to let anyone remove the plastic from his bleeding nasal cavity. Additionally, authorities say they likely won’t be able to press any charges if the mailer of the package is identified. “There’s nothing illegal about sending someone straws and bags, we just want to talk to this person.” Kentucky Attorney General Daniel Cameron stated. “It’s weird, but it’s not illegal. If anything I’m more concerned about Mr. McConnell. I think we all are.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
President Trump’s approval rating amongst the left jumped from 7.2% to 42.7% after Russian President Vladimir Putin announced a new, deadly, and unmatched hypersonic weapon yesterday. Democrats now admit that Trump’s submissive and subservient approach with Russia makes perfect sense. According to Putin the new, terrifying missile can reach a velocity 27 times faster than the speed of sound, hit any part of the planet, and cannot be destroyed by modern anti-missile defense systems. What do you think?
NBA fans are divided over a new camera angle that the league tested out during the Lakers vs Clippers game on Christmas Day. The view, which points the camera directly up players’ shorts when they are anywhere in the key, was sponsored by Nike to provide better shots of players’ shoes. “We only had the best intentions,” Nike CEO Mark Parker stated. “We saw a marketing opportunity and took it. We didn’t even think for a second that professional basketball players would consider wearing boxers, much less no underwear during a game.” Those watching the Christmas Day game were frequently treated to 3-second live shots of private parts jostling about as Lakers center JaVale McGee posted up and pushed for positioning against Ivica Zubac – neither player was wearing any underwear.
Devout Christians Robert and Denise Ferraro of Naperville, Illinois say that they began forgetting that Christ had anything to do with Christmas when their 10-year-old daughter Cindy came home from public school last December and told them that she had…
The entire town of Little Chute, Wisconsin received a delightful, light dusting of cheddar cheese today after a major malfunction at the nearby Kaukauna Cheese Factory caused a Christmas Eve blowout. Most locals are in awe, grateful to have witnessed the beautiful cheese shower. Here’s what some citizens are saying:
President Donald Trump is furious that he hasn’t received a gift from Santa since 2000 – when he was 54 years old.