NASA is in hot water again today after providing female astronauts with high heels for the first all-female spacewalk outside of the International Space Station. After not having enough spacesuits for women for a canceled mission earlier this year, NASA is now facing criticism for blatant sexism from several women’s rights groups. To make matters worse, the astronauts caused damage to the exterior of the space station when a Christian Louboutin heel shattered a $1.7 million solar panel and punctured a backup pressure valve. As a gesture of good faith, NASA says they’re sending up rolls of quarters for the women to use in the feminine hygiene dispensers.
The NFL announced today that they’ve begun an investigation into the role of the so-called ‘Madden Curse’ in connection to concussions and other injuries. The league now believes that the curse extends to all players, not just those featured on the cover of the Madden football games. “We’re not saying all injuries are from the curse, but it’s probably at least 85 percent,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated. “Football is a safe, but haunted sport.” Moving forward, Goodell has asked former player Tim Tebow to organize a large-scale blessing so that God can not only pick winners, but also keep all of the players safe. Photo by Erin Costa
A wild beaver somehow managed to sneak into one of Elizabeth Warren’s campaign headquarters and corner the presidential front runner for over four hours this morning. Warren says she’s doing fine and that this wasn’t her first encounter with a beaver. “I’ve done my fair share of experimenting in college,” Warren smiled. “It’s gonna take a lot more than a beaver to get me rattled. Don’t threaten me with a good time!”
Three week old Douglas Sommers learns about honeycombs at Asheville, North Carolina’s annual Babies and Bee’s Festival. Photo Credit: Sandra Jackson
With a seemingly continuous turnover of advisors in the past three years, president Trump now finds himself being advised by six different handbag designers, including his daughter Ivanka. The White House maintains that only a small percentage of meetings are spent discussing the fashion accessories. “Ivanka doesn’t talk about her fashion business with me,” Trump affirmed. “There’s no nepotism here and it really shows. Just look at me,” a dishevelled Trump stated while unzipping his 5-foot-long red tie from his fly. Additionally, the White House says they’re excited to unveil their new child and adult-sized leather body bags which were specially designed for the Kurds Trump left for dead in Syria.
An unhinged Rudy Giuliani went on NBC’s Meet the Press this morning to announce that he is now being possessed and legally represented by deceased criminal lawyer Johnnie Cochran. According to Giuliani, the famed O.J. Simpson lawyer took over his body after the former New York City Mayor made a deal with the devil. “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit!” Giuliani yelled. “And there isn’t even a glove involved here! Tell me where the flaming glove is!?” Trump’s wide-eyed lawyer shouted while lighting a wool mitten aflame and waving it in the air. Because of Giuliani’s public meltdown, there is now growing concern among Democrats that the president’s lawyer could easily avoid corruption charges with a simple insanity plea.
In a sweeping move, president Trump signed an executive order today that pardons Republicans of any and all crimes. The order, which also releases any registered Republicans who are incarcerated, completely exonerates any future wrongdoings by right-wing public figures and citizens. “Conservatives are being targeted. Period.” Trump stated. “Fine Americans shouldn’t live in constant fear that they’ll eventually be caught and charged for doing something wrong. I can’t fucking sleep!” a puffy-eyed Trump shouted. “It’s unfair! And it’s cruel and it is unusual psychological punishment – which is not allowed under the 8th Amendment!” As of press time, the executive order had been added as the fifty-seventh example of obstruction of justice by the Trump Administration.