Activating his fight-or-flight self-defense mechanism, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul completely melted into the pavement last night while being confronted by protesters after the Republican National Convention. As a small crowd began to gather around Paul and grow more vocal, the senator said that he “began to feel threatened” stating that he “couldn’t handle the heat.” Experts explained what happened next. “As is a snowflake’s natural response to heat, the molecules that make up Paul’s body began moving faster, breaking the hydrogen bonds between them; causing the senator to melt and turn into water,” meteorologist Michael Duvall stated. “This allowed Paul to spread out in the cracks and camouflage himself among the other moist sludge and trash. After that, we assume Mr. Paul slowly seeped his way to a safe space.”
The band Smash Mouth is being blamed for more than 100 COVID-19 cases after they performed at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota on August 9th. Despite social distancing and mask wearing not being enforced at the event, truth seekers are still calling BS on the entire story, pointing to the fact that the band is objectively terrible. “There’s no way in hell that 100 people, let alone thousands, would willingly attend a Smash Mouth concert,” a strongly worded fact check on Snopes.com read. “This is clearly a false flag operation with the intent of disguising the actual source of COVID infections and pinning blame on a poor group of musicians that are stuck in the recurring nightmare of playing ‘All Star’ for the rest of their lives.” Related – Unaware of Coronavirus, Nickelback Continues Tour of Playing to Empty Stadiums Photo credit Eva Rinaldi
The NBA playoffs were postponed Wednesday as many players were calling to end the season while demanding justice for Jacob Blake – yet another Black man who was wrongfully shot by the police. Players let NBA leadership know that they are “financially set and able to strike indefinitely,” if that’s what it takes for change to come to the US. In response to these events, president Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner had an on-air meltdown during which he made racist comments while accidentally criticizing capitalism. “Listen. We’ve made the biggest mistake possible in a capitalistic society: paying people – let alone minorities – enough money to escape wage slavery and remove themselves from the machine,” Kushner stated. “We’ve allowed them to be able to afford to take a stand against the system itself. Make no mistake, this is what we get for paying the Blacks so well. Now they want equal treatment or they won’t entertain us. Hopefully the NBA has learned something from all of this.”
Hours before Category 4 Hurricane Laura was expected to make landfall, president Trump was asked by FEMA for more disaster relief funds. Having explained to the president the predicted devastation from the powerful storm, FEMA leaders said they were bewildered by Trump’s response. “The president asked where the storm was hitting and one of his aides told him ‘Louisiana,’ to which Trump asked ‘Is that part of the the United States?’” FEMA Administrator Peter Gaynor stated. According to Gaynor, the president then continued to ask, “So it’s an island, like Puerto Rico then? Does it have jungles?” “Aides explained to Trump that there wasn’t a jungle in Louisiana and that it also wasn’t an island, but that there are swamps and alligators,” Gaynor stated. “The president replied ‘You know I don’t like swamps’ and then told his staff to ‘get the paperwork ready’ to take a few billion dollars away from FEMA and give it to the border patrol.“ As of press time FEMA was drastically underfunded and ill-prepared for handling Hurricane Laura. Meanwhile, Trump was getting ready to proudly proclaim his handling of Laura to be “tremendous” and “better than Obama’s Katrina disaster.”
An all-new epidemic has hit social media during COVID-19 and it’s dumber, yet somehow more complicated than baking and eating an entire loaf of sourdough bread. Presenting the charcuterie board! Charcuterie boards are glorified Lunchables for adults. They’re stupid planks of wood covered in various overpriced meats, cheeses, fruits, and nuts – and as you may have noticed – everyone won’t stop posting their pictures of them. What do you think?
Evangelist Jerry Falwell Jr. spoke briefly with reporters this afternoon after it was revealed that he spent years masturbating while watching his pool boy have sex with his wife. Falwell, who has demonized others for their non-traditional sex lives now admits that he gets off to cuckolding – or watching other men have sex with his wife. He also explained that he loves being shamed, belittled, and emasculated in general. “This whole experience is so humiliating that it’s easily the hottest thing that’s ever happened to me,” a sweaty Falwell moaned while rubbing his nipples. “I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life.” Falwell added that since a falling out with the pool boy – who allegedly threatened to release photos of Falwell’s wife – that the couple is looking for another third party for their sexual adventures. “If there’s anyone out there who’s willing to call me a worthless, hypocritical piece of shit and consensually pin my wife down while nailing her harder than Jesus, then we’d be very much so open to that,” Falwell stated. As of press time most of the country was already fulfilling the first part of Falwell’s request.
Republicans across the United States are excited to spend the next four nights cackling maniacally along with six Trumps and a handful of other speakers as they lay out their diabolical plans for the continued destruction of the country at the Republican National Convention. In total, as many as 35 million Republicans are expected to be watching in their dark living rooms each night; their faces aglow from only the television light as they laugh deliriously like raving mad lunatics at their TV sets.