Pisces – It seems like someone in your life is always relying on you for Every Single Thing Just leave the baby at the park for a few hours and take some time for yourself.

Scorpio – All of your money troubles will fall away when your last shred of dignity finally dissipates. Remember: amateur pornography will always pay more than anything else you’ll do in life.

Dinosaur – Brace yourself for a significant shift in the celestial energies as an impending cosmic event approaches. The stars advise you cherish every moment and connect with your loved ones. 

Taurus – Take the time to figure out what your “must haves” are in a relationship. Then tell your partner what you are missing. If they say they can’t give it to you, then you know you’ll just have to find another person who is willing to dress up like a giant rubber ducky and moan while feeding you pickles from their beak.

Gemini – A wave of pleasure-seeking activity will eventually coerce you into piercing your nether regions after chugging the entire chalice of wine at communion this Sunday.

Virgo Rising – Rising? Sorry, best the stars can do this week is Virgo Groaning While Slowly Getting Up. – You are struggling to commit to an upcoming event. You know that it’s important and that it could cause you equal amounts of uncomfortableness and relief. Just drink the 4 liters of Polyethylene glycol-electrolyte solution, hunker down on the toilet with a good book, and go to your colonoscopy appointment tomorrow.

Cancer – Be VERY mindful of strangers this weekend and they will reward you for your giving & selfless nature with $5 to $500 – depending on what you do in the Motel 6 for 30 minutes to an hour.

Leo – Step outside of your comfort zone. Try cooking a romantic dinner for that special someone again, but this time remember that cats are allergic to raw onions sautéed in whiskey – for the sake of your new, replacement kitten.

Aquarium – Brace yourself, for your aquatic inhabitants will go all ‘Finding Nemo’ on you and manage a daring escape, leaving you – a sentient aquarium – empty and alone with only a scuba diver figurine and a fake treasure chest that bubbles. In the absence of company, the scuba diver and the treasure chest morph into eerie companions. Their lifeless stares feel like they’re mocking your plight, and their presence takes on an unsettling aura. As the days stretch into endless nights, you start hearing voices. The scuba diver becomes the embodiment of existential angst, leaving you questioning the very nature of this aquatic prison. Meanwhile, the treasure chest taunts you with riddles about the meaning of freedom, offering no answers. Reality becomes a blurry line, and your find yourself plunging into the darkest depths of the mind where reality and illusion intermingle, and the echoes of your thoughts become a haunting chorus. And that’s just Monday 

Capricorn – The struggle and painful times in your life will get a lot better today – no longer leaving you lying in bed with extreme internal discomfort! Congratulations power bottom! You’ve discovered the one affordable lubricant that you are not deathly allergic to!

Cancer Pt. II – An eye-opening event will cause a major shift in your attitude toward abortion over the weekend when a positive test makes you wish the closest Planned Parenthood wasn’t 180 miles away.

Aries (Dodge Ram) – An Intense situation and more-than-touchy conversation will occur when you decide to open up about your true feelings. But be honest, you’ll never REALLY be happy in life unless you tell the nursing home that your racist grandma is running a brothel from inside Joyful Pines Nursing Home.

Leo 2 – You once thrived on the adrenaline rush you would get from helping put out the flames that routinely popped up at your work… but now the everyday routine and monotony has been getting to you. Soon you’ll find yourself drawn down a darker path. Surprise your firefighter coworkers when years later they finally figure out that you were the elusive arsonist “Fireball Jones” the whole time!

Sea goat – Yours is a tale of frustration and bewilderment. You’ll find yourself shaking your hoof at God on Tuesday for making you too clumsy and floppy to climb a rocky mountain, yet also too oddly shaped to swim in anything but circles. The struggle is real and it’s okay to feel exasperated with all the seaweed that gets stuck in your horns.