“It’s safe to say that most residents of the state of Mississippi have been vegetarian, or close to it, since 2009.” – Governor Phil Bryant Continue reading Mississippi Has Been Feeding Its Unsuspecting Residents Vegan, Plant-Based Protein Since 2009
Now it’s possible to avoid having to pay a doctor for their time spent curled up on the operating table next to your barely-clothed, unconscious body. Continue reading Surgeons Will No Longer Be Required To Take Naps Halfway Through Operations
We can’t have Canada smelling like burnt, used condoms anymore,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau stated. Continue reading Canada Will Ban All Single-Use Condoms by 2021
“People who have to smell their food before eating it are complete monsters.” Continue reading ‘Food Smellers’ Need to Stop Weirding-Out Normal Eaters
Japan will resume the commercial killing of overweight citizens in an effort to curb the population of the island and supplement dwindling soybean supplies. Continue reading Japan Resumes Hunting of Overweight Citizens After 30-Year Ban
“The people alive today are the last generation of humans that’ll live on this planet as we know it. Having said that, I’d like to invite everyone to go ahead and eat a dick.” Continue reading Al Gore to Release Scathing Climate Change Film Titled ‘Bitches, I Fucking Warned You!’
“Without the cheese it just flows right through you.” – CEO Brian Niccols Continue reading Taco Bell Releases Cheese-Free Colon Cleanse Menu
“It’s an odd hellscape where you can hear people scream as their bones crunch under your boots.” Continue reading Piling Bodies, Trash & Feces Make Mount Everest 9 Feet Taller Every Week
“At least 87% of lotion used by men is vigorously rubbed on less than 1% of their bodies.” Continue reading Study: Guys Use 3X More Lotion Than Girls, and Yes, You Know Why
“Because of the extreme food poisoning, Kim has also experienced dramatic silicone loss in the [expletive], lip and breast regions.” Continue reading Kim Kardashian Sues Jack in the Box Over Explosive Diarrhea
“Who cares if you can’t wash the smell off, you’ve saved an orangutan!” Continue reading Greenpeace Tells Americans: “Wipe Your Butts With Your Hands”
“We know it is hard for Mr. McConnell to have to abort the bill right here on the Senate floor, but Democrats are truly supportive of the decision.” Continue reading Republican Bill Blocking Funding for Planned Parenthood Aborted on US Senate Floor
“Contrary to popular belief, fingerlike appendages do not exit the butt and press on the phone screen, that’s poop you’re thinking of.” Continue reading The Science of The Butt Dial: How Your Booty Calls People Without You Knowing
Due to the lack of legal consequences, throngs of hallucinating residents have congregated downtown at the 16th Street Mall to touch each other’s faces. Continue reading Most of Denver’s Population is in It’s 30th Hour of Tripping Balls Since Mushrooms Were Decriminalized
“Now it looks like we’re going to have to burn off about 16 square miles of mature opium crop. So if you live in the area, buckle the [expletive] up on Saturday.” Continue reading Massive Opium Fields to Be Burned Off in Wisconsin After Monsanto-Bayer Merger Fails
“My dreams became littered with terrifying sex monsters that attacked my lesbian lover Barb.” – Elizabeth Warren Continue reading Elizabeth Warren Recommends Changing Your Dreamcatcher Filter Every Spring
“We sell the meat to Taco Bell, send a bunch of parts to candy factories and use the rest to make high-end huffing glue.” Continue reading What Happens to the 19 Dead Horses After the Kentucky Derby?
“Remember, we’re only talking about girth. So if you wanted to tape 7 oversized grapefruits together and play hide the citrus in your [expletive], you could absolutely do that.” Secretary Alex Azar stated. Continue reading US Dept. Of Health: ‘Never Stick Anything Larger than a Grapefruit Up Your Butt’
