(Hibbing, Minnesota) The very last brain cell of diehard Trump supporter Doug Wilkins is dead sure that liberals are going to stop wearing masks now that the president has called putting on the protective gear a ‘patriotic’ act. “The president is using reverse psychology to expose the libs and the fake news,” Wilkins laughed. “Trump is playing three dimensional chess. You’ll see. None of them will be wearing masks.” Hours later, after having gone outside only to see everyone was still wearing masks, Wilkins’ last brain cell began having its second complete thought of the day. “I’m either going to have to give in and wear a mask or decide that Trump has become an emasculated, virtue signaling cuck who has given into liberal mask-wearing propaganda,” Wilkins realized out loud right before his head exploded. Photo credit Lorie Shaull
The US government sold the rights to the National Anthem to billionaire entrepreneur Mark Cuban for $275 million who immediately turned around and said that he will not be allowing anyone to play the song before sporting events. The move comes just a few hours after Cuban tweeted in response to a fan that said he won’t watch Mavericks games if any of the players kneel for the song: “I’m sick of the fake patriotic bullshit,” Cuban stated. “Kneel. Don’t kneel. Wear a hat. Take off your hat. Put your hand over your heart. Stand up. Sit down… Well, all that doesn’t matter anymore because I’m not going to let anyone play it.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Democrats are taking heat after forcing a clandestine weekend vote today in which they managed to approve a minor name change to US Army base Fort Bragg; one of several US bases named after Confederate generals. “In honor of president Trump, our motion to officially change the name of ‘Fort Bragg’ to ‘Fort Brag’ with one letter ‘G’ has passed,” Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated. “Let this be a late, but imperative reminder that we should never celebrate treasonous traitors of the United States, but rather call them out – wherever they are – for what they really are.” Pelosi later told reporters that the idea behind the name change was inspired by president Trump himself who had weighed in on the issue of US military base names just yesterday. “I mean, if they really have to change the names. And you hate to see it. But if they really need to change them and there’s no other options, maybe they should name one or two after me?” Trump suggested with a shrug. “I’m no Confederate general, but I certainly agree with a lot of what they stood for. That’s what I would call a compromise.” As of Sunday afternoon, Democrats were hailing the name change as “frugal” and “a step in the right direction” as the taxpayer cost to remove a single ‘G’ from the end of all signage was minimal – allowing budgeting for the addition of Trump’s silhouette on every sign.
Senator Marco Rubio really stepped in it today when he posted a terribly-executed tribute to deceased civil rights leader John Lewis and followed it up with a strange, racist tirade on Twitter. In a since-deleted tweet, Rubio shared a photo of himself and Elijah Cummings – another deceased Black lawmaker – and captioned the photograph with the words: “It was an honor to know & be blessed with the opportunity to serve in Congress with John Lewis… a genuine & historic American hero. May the Lord grant him eternal peace.” Twitter erupted in response to Rubio’s significant and embarrassing error, but the Florida Senator seemed completely unfazed by the mistake and began genuinely replying to tweets. “Wait, don’t all black people look alike?” Rubio tweeted in reply to one Twitter user. “I thought I could just pick any photo with me and one of them.” Painfully blind to his racism, Rubio doubled-down, tweeting out: “I’ve never purposely made eye contact with a black person. Aren’t they all just vague, shadowy figures to everyone else? Isn’t that why we’re all so afraid of them? What is happening?!” As of press time outraged Democrats were calling on Rubio to resign, while most Republicans were just glad they didn’t have any photos with Black people to make such a mistake. Photo Credit Gage Skidmore
The Director of the CDC, Robert Redfield, took questions on schools reopening this morning alongside Donald Trump during an odd White House Press conference at which he wore a leather and rubber ball gag. “He couldn’t find his mask, but Mike (Pence) had a spare one of these,” Trump explained on behalf of Redfield. “So if anyone has questions for Mr. Redfield, just go ahead and ask and I’ll be more than happy to interpret what he’s saying.” A member from the press then asked the CDC Director if he thought that schools should be opening on schedule. “Mmmmph Mmrrghgg Mmm!” Redfield moaned while shaking his head, “Hhhhmmmmmphhh mmmmhhmmm hmmmgrrmm!” “He’s saying that all of the beautiful science he’s doing shows that we can reopen the schools!” Trump smiled. “And that we’re doing such a tremendous job that if we wanted to, we could open them early! Maybe even next week! Wow! How about that folks?!” As of press time the White House had released a statement on behalf of the CDC stating that Redfield now preferred the ball gag and that he’d be wearing one for the foreseeable future.
According to a leaked memo, Fox News anchors are now only allowed to refer to COVID-19 deaths as “meetings with Jesus.” Many are calling the move a shamefully transparent attempt to influence public perception of the White House’s handling of the pandemic. “As a God-fearing Christian, it makes me jealous that so many people are getting to meet Jesus,” Fox News host Laura Ingraham smiled. “Because the world is such a chaotic place right now, who wouldn’t rather be meeting our Lord and Savior? Doesn’t that sound wonderful?” As of noon today, Fox News was reporting that 73% of coronavirus victims from the US – or about 100,740 people – were having a fantastic time in Heaven. The network also reminded non-believers that there was still time to convert and be saved from an eternity of burning in hell; a message that has already been a part of Fox’s daily programming since 1996.