After yet another mass shooting today, 73% of Republican parents in America now support background and mental health checks for gun ownership. “It took awhile, but we’ve reached a tipping point,” registered Republican Donna Davis admitted. “Until it happens to one of your own, or you yourself, it’s just unfathomable for us conservatives to empathize. But after 147 school shootings, we’ve all been impacted.” As of press time, experts are trying to find a way for all Republicans to experience poverty, being a minority, and what it’s like to be surrounded by idiots. Photo by Nick Youngson Advertisements
PornHub CEO Mike Zoffler and countless other companies from the industry have revealed that literally all of the legal pornography on the internet is being stored 375 feet under the Arctic ice in a remote location. Notably, there’s a global treaty to keep the area neutral during times of war; making it an ideal spot for post-apocolyptic release. Meanwhile doomsday preppers call the porn bunker an ideal spot for a massive orgy to repopulate the planet. “Honestly, this is all we’ve been getting ready for,” doomsday guru Aaron Ward stated. “He who survives the end of the world will possess the greatest treasure of all: free access to unlimited porn.” Notably the spank bank looks like something out of a movie, its entrance a phallic obelisk jutting high out of two blinding white orbs. It sparkles with glowing lights and is filled with decades worth of tissues, vibrators, every sex toy known to man, and copious amounts of lube.
In a show of solidarity with president Trump, prominent Republican lawmakers made waves today when they took a knee during the national anthem. Republicans say they’re protesting the impeachment hearings in Washington DC because they are “un-American.” “When something so unjust keeps happening over and over again – and to the same group of people – you simply can’t keep quiet anymore,” Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell stated. Speaker Nancy Pelosi also commented on the kneeling incident. “Republicans think that white lies don’t matter,” Pelosi stated. “The truth is that all lies matter, and we’ve caught the president in a big one.”
Executive Producer Kevin Bright says he’s having an impossible time trying to recreate the original unwatchable-ness of the inexplicably popular sitcom Friends. “The show’s popularity was based solely on its blatant mediocrity,” Bright stated. “I can’t, in good conscience, bring myself to direct another group of prattling diversity-void characters who live in one of the most diverse cities in the world.”
Many men have started calling unsolicited photos of their penises “surprise gender reveal parties” What do you think?
In a morning news conference with reporters president Trump took the better part of an hour to share his own war story: The Battle of The Bone Spurs. “People were coming at me from left and right. Every angle folks, every angle,” Trump stated. “And just as the Enlisting Forces were about to take me captive, and likely kill me, because they’re killers these people; I evaded the enemy with a doctor’s note.” “So am I a hero?” Trump grinned while placing the Purple Heart around his own neck. “I don’t know. You tell me.”
Tyson Foods announced their new line of raw, meat-based ice cream products at a press conference today outside of their Springdale, Arkansas headquarters. The company, which is the largest seller of ground meat products in the United States, says the product was developed to make use of excess meat. “With so many people trying out plant-based products, we now have a growing surplus of raw meat,”Tyson Farms CEO Noel White stated. “This was the smartest way to still sell the product while keeping it fresher for longer.” White ended the press conference by telling the crowd to try all of their delicious flavors like Chocolate Cow Chunk, Banana Beef Foster, Peanut Butter Pig, or Classic Caramel Chicken.