Tag: Mitch McConnell

Health & Wellness, Mitch McConnell, Politics, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

McConnell’s Doctor Says Knowledge of Senator’s Missing Heart & Brain Ruled Out Stroke, Heart Attack, Immediately

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WASHINGTON D.C. – In a shocking medical revelation, Mitch McConnell’s personal doctor, Dr. Felix Mortimer, took to the podium to address the nation about the senator’s “freezing incident,” announcing that he was able to “immediately rule out any possibility of … Continue reading McConnell’s Doctor Says Knowledge of Senator’s Missing Heart & Brain Ruled Out Stroke, Heart Attack, Immediately

democrat, Independent, Politics, RepublicanLeave a comment

Party-Curious Kyrsten Sinema Switches From Democrat To Independent Just To See What People Say Before Totally Coming Out As Republican

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The very brave, former Democrat Krysten Sinema decided to admit to her colleagues today that she is, in fact, an independent. “This may come as a shock to some,” Sinema stated. “But I cannot be more honest when I say … Continue reading Party-Curious Kyrsten Sinema Switches From Democrat To Independent Just To See What People Say Before Totally Coming Out As Republican

Gun Control, Republicans, U.S. News, WalmartLeave a comment

Republicans Push For ‘Mass Shooting Condolence Cards’ Section In Every Walmart

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Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell told reporters early this morning that Republicans in Congress plan to introduce a bill that would require all Walmart locations to have a mass shooting condolence card section within the store. “It’s the least we can … Continue reading Republicans Push For ‘Mass Shooting Condolence Cards’ Section In Every Walmart

Democrats, Mitch McConnell, Politics, RepublicansLeave a comment
democrats form commission to determine how republicans can live with themselves

Senate Democrats Form New Commission To Investigate How Republicans Can Live With Themselves

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Bewildered by their political counterparts, Senate Democrats voted today to form a new commission that will hopefully help them to understand exactly how Republicans are able to live with themselves. Referred to as the F.A.C.T.S. Commission – short for Finding … Continue reading Senate Democrats Form New Commission To Investigate How Republicans Can Live With Themselves

Mitch McConnell, Politics, RepublicansLeave a comment
'Saying No To The Commission Doesn't Mean You're Guilty' McConnell Chants At Hypnotized Republicans

‘Saying No To The Commission Doesn’t Imply We’re Guilty’ McConnell Chants With Hypnotized Republicans

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Mitch McConnell (R-KY) was seen hypnotizing fellow Republicans on the Senate floor today with the clear goal of making them feel okay with voting ‘no’ on the January 6th commission. “Voting against the Capitol insurrection investigation in no way implies … Continue reading ‘Saying No To The Commission Doesn’t Imply We’re Guilty’ McConnell Chants With Hypnotized Republicans

Immigration, Mitch McConnell, Politics, Race, RacistLeave a comment
republicans against trump regroup as less overtly racist third party

Mitch McConnell Touts His Newly-Formed Anti-Trump Party As ‘Far, Far Less Overtly Racist’

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In a concerted effort to distance themselves from Donald Trump, a group of over 120 conservative politicians held a Zoom call this week to discuss creating a third party called ‘Republicans Against Trump’ (RATs). The party is described as “basically … Continue reading Mitch McConnell Touts His Newly-Formed Anti-Trump Party As ‘Far, Far Less Overtly Racist’

Conservative, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Mental Health, PoliticsLeave a comment
Marjorie Taylor Greene - Bigfoot Is A Real-Life Alien That Was Attracted To Earth By Chemtrails

Missing Psych Ward Patient Found After Spending Month As Congresswoman

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Authorities confirmed today that Marjorie Taylor Greene – an armed, hostile and mentally unstable woman that has been terrorizing congressional colleagues – is actually an escaped psych ward patient named Karen Lynn McConnell. Reportedly the estranged sister of Senator Mitch … Continue reading Missing Psych Ward Patient Found After Spending Month As Congresswoman

Election 2020, Politics, Russia, VotingLeave a comment

Trump Says Unbiased Third Party ‘Such as Russia’ Should Oversee 2020 Mail-In Ballots

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President Trump told reporters today that he believed that mail-in voting for the 2020 election would result in the most inaccurate and fraudulent election in history. Trump added that he’d be “much more comfortable” having Russia oversee the mail-in ballots … Continue reading Trump Says Unbiased Third Party ‘Such as Russia’ Should Oversee 2020 Mail-In Ballots

Election 2020, Supreme Court, U.S. News, Vote, VotingLeave a comment

Supreme Court Ruling Pushes Nation Dangerously Close to Becoming a Real Democracy

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The United States Supreme Court ruled this morning that states can now punish Electoral College members that don’t vote for the candidate who wins statewide presidential balloting. The news comes after the young country just celebrated its 244th year as … Continue reading Supreme Court Ruling Pushes Nation Dangerously Close to Becoming a Real Democracy

Economics, Economy, money, U.S. NewsLeave a comment
Congress Revisits Stimulus Bill after forgetting to include sincere fuck you to citizens

Congress Revisits Stimulus Bill After Forgetting to Sign it With a Sincere ‘Fuck You’ To American Citizens

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Members of Congress revealed today that they had forgotten to sign their insufficient joke of a stimulus bill with a sincere ‘Fuck You’ in order to make the document as transparent as possible. “With a few simple votes we will … Continue reading Congress Revisits Stimulus Bill After Forgetting to Sign it With a Sincere ‘Fuck You’ To American Citizens

Animals, Donald Trump, Impeachment, Mitch McConnell, Politics, TurtleLeave a comment

Herpetologists: Mitch McConnell’s push for late night impeachment trial suggests he’s a desert tortoise

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With Mitch McConnell’s push for a late night impeachment trial, herpetologists everywhere have begun speculating that the Senator is likely part desert tortoise. “The desert tortoise is known for sleeping underground throughout most of the day and then crawling out … Continue reading Herpetologists: Mitch McConnell’s push for late night impeachment trial suggests he’s a desert tortoise

environment, Mitch McConnell, Turtle, U.S. NewsLeave a comment
Authorities launch investigation after Mitch McConnell was mailed deadly plastic bags and straws

Investigation under way after Mitch McConnell gets a plastic straw rammed up his nose

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An investigation is underway after Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell was severely injured moments after opening a package that contained several plastic bags and straws. McConnell, like most turtles, tried to put the foreign objects in his mouth to gain an … Continue reading Investigation under way after Mitch McConnell gets a plastic straw rammed up his nose

Climate Change, global warming, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

Conservatives identify Greta Thunberg as first known case of white privilege

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After being named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year, conservatives everywhere are calling Greta Thunberg’s success the first known case of white privilege. The 16-year old Sweed with Asperger’s has been a leading voice in climate change activism. “This is … Continue reading Conservatives identify Greta Thunberg as first known case of white privilege