Inside Source: Hunter Biden’s Defective Laptop Keeps Playing ‘Someone Like You’ – Most Likely Because It’s A Dell

An anonymous informant from inside the FBI leaked to reporters today that authorities are still trying to learn what’s on Hunter Biden’s laptop. Apparently, the device is driving agents crazy because it plays the same song when powered on and … Continue reading Inside Source: Hunter Biden’s Defective Laptop Keeps Playing ‘Someone Like You’ – Most Likely Because It’s A Dell

Elon Musk Fires All Staff That Won’t Do Cocaine: ‘Everyone Must Work Nonstop’

Twitter CEO Elon Musk sent out a company-wide email today informing employees that they are all required to snort cocaine. “The entire staff must able to work nonstop, and for days on end,” Musk wrote. “The only way I see … Continue reading Elon Musk Fires All Staff That Won’t Do Cocaine: ‘Everyone Must Work Nonstop’

GOP Livid, Going Through Withdrawals After 621 Pounds Of Fentanyl Seized At Border

Over 600 pounds of deadly fentanyl was seized at the southern border last month, leaving many Republican leaders sick and angry as their dealers experienced severe supply chain issues. Members of the party were so deeply impacted and disoriented by … Continue reading GOP Livid, Going Through Withdrawals After 621 Pounds Of Fentanyl Seized At Border

Republicans Deny Madison Cawthorn Was Invited To Sex & Drug Parties: ‘We’re All Too Old To Move His Body’

House minority leader Kevin McCarthy once again denied claims today from Madison Cawthorn that he was invited to sex and drug parties by fellow members of the Republican party. McCarthy specifically told reporters that even if such parties existed, Cawthorn certainly … Continue reading Republicans Deny Madison Cawthorn Was Invited To Sex & Drug Parties: ‘We’re All Too Old To Move His Body’

Man At Airport Security Has Sudden, Unfounded Fear That He May Have Hid Drugs Up His Butt

Frequent traveler and businessman Kenneth Hildman of Dallas, Texas says he is close to having a complete breakdown while he waits in line at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport security. Despite never committing a crime in his life, Hildman thinks that … Continue reading Man At Airport Security Has Sudden, Unfounded Fear That He May Have Hid Drugs Up His Butt

Olympian Who Accidentally Took Grandmother’s Medication Sets World Record For Slowest Bobsled Run

Ukrainian bobsledder Hilda Lunko set the world record for slowest bobsled run in the Olympics this past week after she accidentally took her grandmother’s performance destabilizing drugs shortly before the race. Lunko, who was the first Ukrainian female bobsledder to … Continue reading Olympian Who Accidentally Took Grandmother’s Medication Sets World Record For Slowest Bobsled Run

A Furious Don Jr. Showed Up At Marco Rubio’s House After Biden Refused To Give Him A Free Crack Pipe

A fuming mad Donald Trump Jr. showed up unannounced at Marco Rubio’s West Miami house late Wednesday night after he figured out that the Florida senator had lied when he said Biden was giving out free meth and crack pipes. … Continue reading A Furious Don Jr. Showed Up At Marco Rubio’s House After Biden Refused To Give Him A Free Crack Pipe

Laura Ingraham does meth on live TV, then tries to conduct electricity using a steak

A tweaked-out Laura Ingraham ended her show on FOX News last night by smoking copious amounts of methamphetamines at her desk. She then wandered off set and came zooming back with a cold steak, plastic straws, and lightbulbs from the … Continue reading Laura Ingraham does meth on live TV, then tries to conduct electricity using a steak

Denver announces the country’s first public ‘Mushroom Experimentation Area’

Authorities in Denver, Colorado say that they’re encouraging the legal use of psychedelic mushrooms in order to study how people who are on the drug interact in public spaces. “We don’t know what’s going to happen, but we’re opening up … Continue reading Denver announces the country’s first public ‘Mushroom Experimentation Area’

Most of Denver’s Population is in It’s 30th Hour of Tripping Balls Since Mushrooms Were Decriminalized

Due to the lack of legal consequences, throngs of hallucinating residents have congregated downtown at the 16th Street Mall to touch each other’s faces. Continue reading Most of Denver’s Population is in It’s 30th Hour of Tripping Balls Since Mushrooms Were Decriminalized

Massive Opium Fields to Be Burned Off in Wisconsin After Monsanto-Bayer Merger Fails

“Now it looks like we’re going to have to burn off about 16 square miles of mature opium crop. So if you live in the area, buckle the [expletive] up on Saturday.” Continue reading Massive Opium Fields to Be Burned Off in Wisconsin After Monsanto-Bayer Merger Fails