After being reminded countless times that Puerto Rico is a part of the United States, president Trump has decided to trade the island for Greenland. “Puerto Rico can’t get their act together,” Trump stated. “So we’re going to swap it … Continue reading President Trump says he’ll exchange Puerto Rico for Greenland
Maybe I give some intellectual property to China and maybe in return they build me a wall on the border using those Nike worker children. Can we do this? I don’t know folks, but we’re going to try.” Continue reading Trump Ends Capitalism in The United States
“Remember, we’re only talking about girth. So if you wanted to tape 7 oversized grapefruits together and play hide the citrus in your [expletive], you could absolutely do that.” Secretary Alex Azar stated. Continue reading US Dept. Of Health: ‘Never Stick Anything Larger than a Grapefruit Up Your Butt’
“You won’t hear about this, but I burned down the Notre Dame Cathedral,” Beck confirmed live on Fox & Friends. “This was France’s 9/11 and if I weren’t there to see it firsthand, you’d never know it was me: Glenn Beck, a casual, disposable, everyday Islamic terrorist.” Continue reading Glenn Beck Converts to Islam, Burns Down Notre Dame Cathedral
“If you’re banned you’ll be relocated to a garbage island off the coast of New Jersey.” – Nancy Pelosi Continue reading Breaking: Extremism Ban Passes US House & Senate
“Crazy Bernie wants people working 40+ hours a week to be able to pay bills, not rely on our perfectly good government programs that the middle class funds. That’s crazy Bernie for ya. So Un-American folks!” – Trump Continue reading Freeloaders Donate Record Amount to Crazy Socialist Bernie Sanders
“I’d be fine if Americans just recited half of the Pledge of Allegiance and then carried on with school or whatever.” – Trump Continue reading Trump: “Let’s All Just Say Half of the Pledge and Call It a Day”
Presidential Alerts cannot be turned off on mobile phones. Continue reading Trump: ‘I’m Sending Every Tweet Through the Presidential Alert System From Now On’
“The first idea that it runs into is the decision that we go with.” – Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross Continue reading An iRobot Roomba 690 Robot Vacuum with Wi-Fi Connectivity has Been Running the Country since late 2017
Those who take prescription drugs made by Pfizer will not be able to notice the difference. Continue reading Pfizer Releases Pills that Slowly Deduct Money from Your Bank Account
‘MAGA’ is a unisex perfume boasting liquefied $100 bills as a key ingredient. Continue reading Trump is Selling ‘Urine-Scented’ Perfume
Tyson offered a confusingly graphic, yet scientific explanation. Continue reading Neil Degrasse Tyson is Donating Sperm in Massive Quantities
Samsung Soft: Televisions You Can Beat the Living **** Out Of. Continue reading Introducing Samsung Soft: The Smart TV that you can Punch
Female researches have remained cold and distant, uninterested in helping to solve this growing problem. Continue reading Most American Males have Larger Boobs Than Their Wives
“This will allow every single employee to move up the ladder and manage their own McDonald’s.” Continue reading McDonald’s to Open 375,000 New Restaurants: One for Each Employee
The North Korean leader then flipped open a glass-encased red button, pressed it, and was immediately torn apart – along with the rest of his country – by a faulty nuclear missile. Continue reading North Korea Accidentally Nukes Itself
Trump tweeted and gave approval for the TSA to ban all passengers from flying if they dress like the suspect who is now in detainment. Continue reading United Kicked Woman Off Plane for Refusing to Remove Religious Headscarf, Speak
The former President reported that it was “very easy” to find most of the guns. Continue reading Obama Begins Nationwide Confiscation of Guns
