Neil Degrasse Tyson is Donating Sperm in Massive Quantities

Famed American astrophysicist, author, and science communicator Neil Degrasse Tyson revealed today that he has been secretly donating copious amounts of his semen to sperm banks across the United States. Tyson explained his actions today.

“My goal is plain and simple.” Tyson said. “I want to be a part of ensuring that future generations of Americans have a chance, however minute that may be, to not be quite as ignorant as many folks are today. I have phenomenal genes and I want to share them with the world.”

Tyson says that he donates around a gallon of semen a week.

“I time myself and spend precisely 3 hours a day creating the perfect Mμ value of friction on what I like to call my ‘galactic bulge’. This results in approximately 2.28571428571 cups of high fructose porn syrup per 23 hours, 56 minutes and 4 seconds – or one Earth day.

A lot of people don’t know that 24 hours is not a day, except in the everyday sense. I’m talking about a sidereal day, or how long it takes the earth – on average – to make one rotation relative to the faraway stars and other galaxies in the our magnificent sky.”

Tyson continued his confusingly graphic, yet scientific description.

“Interestingly, and rightfully so, people were concerned that I’d not be able to produce population paste at this rate, but my daddy sauce still looks like an explosion at the yogurt factory. Every. Single. Time.

Explosions occur when a large amount of energy is released into a small volume area in a short time, the energy released can come in many forms. I liken my penis pudding eruptions to that of the volcanoes in Hawaii today – incredibly active with uncertainty of when it will consummate.

At this stage, Tyson says that his only concern is the ‘very real, but ultimately minuscule chance that he could run out of new scientific findings to masturbate to.

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Neil Degrasse Tyson is Donating Sperm in Massive Quantities
Neil Degrasse Tyson shows off a tie he made using semen and paint which depicts the Milky Way. Photo Credit: Tiffany Vaughn (no endorsement implied)


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