Sucking on flavored condoms has made Mike Pence ill and killed at least six people after they choked on the prophylactics. In response, Congress is readying a ban on the tasty dick wrappers amid an unparalleled outbreak of safe oral sex. “Dick, and sucking on it, becomes much more appealing when the penis tastes like a banana or cotton candy,” Mike Pence stated. “But whatever is used to make the cock so delicious is corrupting and poisoning our teens.” The FDA is now finalizing rules to remove all non-penis flavors of condoms from the market within 30 days. Companies like Trojan and Durex might be able to reintroduce their dick-enhancing flavors at a later date if they submit a formal application and receive taste testing approval from Mike Pence. Advertisements
Trump said he groped “every inch” of Pence to show that he “believes in treating men and women exactly the same.”
The Vice President says he still suffers from nervous tics while around attractive men.
“There’s no room for every musky man to lie down on the concrete, so they have to get creative with the cuddling. It just looks like a great experience.” – Mike Pence
“What better way to show that the United States is a Christian nation than by celebrating Jesus’ crucifixion on America’s birthday!?” – President Donald J. Trump
According to their website, Mufflr is being funded by powerful lesbians Ellen Degeneres and Hillary Clinton.
“Mr. Trump rationalized eating 17 apple pies before vomiting all over himself and his desk. It makes sense to us, but we don’t expect the mainstream media to get it.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders