Mike Pence Banned From Grindr

Vice President Mike Pence has been banned from the notorious gay male dating site Grindr. Pence, who is one heartbeat away from being president, will now have to find another way to get his blood pumping.

According to several sources, the Vice President violated “essentially all” of the homosexual-hookup app’s rules.

“Our first guideline for all users is that you cannot post nude photos in your profile, so that was strike one,” said a Grindr staffer. “Another one of our requirements is that users cannot portray themselves utilizing sex toys or masturbating in images. They also aren’t allowed to be ‘overtly suggestive, racist, bigoted, or use generally offensive words – Pence managed to break all of these rules in just one photo.”

The Vice President’s wife, Karen Pence, has responded to reporters who reached out to her with questions about her gay husband.

“Michael and I have set very strict rules for our marriage and how we carry ourselves,” stated the Second Lady of the United States. “We’ve agreed that he can never eat a meal in the company of another woman without my presence. He is not allowed to drink alcohol unless I am there, and he must always refer to me as ‘Mother’,” she said.

“Other than that, I could give a hoot if my Michael wants to be a submissive bottom, semen receptacle,” Mother concluded.

Grindr also released a statement regarding Pence’s actions – which triggered a company-wide meeting and subsequent overhaul of their rules. One section of the document stated:

“Full disclosure, the Vice President’s actions have forced us to add at least 17 new community guideline rules. We apologize to anyone in the Grindr community who may have been negatively impacted by Mike Pence,” stated the press release.

“He did things. Nasty things that were way, way beyond anyone in the Grindr community’s most depraved imagination. There was simply no way to know that behavior like this was even possible.”

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