Massachusetts Law Bans Homophobic People From Bathrooms

(Boston, MA) Massachusetts legislators have passed a law that bans homophobic folks and people who gender discriminate from using bathrooms. The law, which will take effect on January 1st of next year, has some people pissing themselves.

Supporters applaud the bill for making every bathroom a safe space for people in the LGBTQ+ community and their allies. U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA.) made public statements regarding the bill’s passage.

“It’s a good thing. Honestly, if you cannot be kind to your fellow man or woman, then you deserve to shit yourself in public. Because you are an arrogant pile of shit. We’re addressing a problem within grown adults who think, speak and act like children.”

Opponents say that the law is blatant discrimination, with prominent bigot Pat Robertson of The 700 Club releasing a statement vehemently condemning the new law.

Pat Robertson is Jeff Sessions’ paternal father and the Founder of the White Smurf, White Face Supremacist Movement – a small and magical offshoot of the KKK.

“It is pure discrimination to bar people like us from using the restrooms. The Bible clearly states that we should ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you – Luke 6:31.’ Now that our views represent the minority in America, we deserve equal rights and protection under the law!”

Supporters also point to the fact that the new regulation will create an estimated 425,000 Safe-Zone Bathroom Attendant jobs. This is because each person that wishes to use public or private business restrooms will have to audibly state the phrase “I fully support the LGBTQ+ community” to a Safe-Zone Bathroom Attendant each time they wish to enter a restroom. If the worker is not convinced, potential poopers will be turned away. What’s more, as required in the bill attendants will be paid at least $15 an hour and receive full benefits.

The law includes increased penalties for urinating or defecating in public – essentially forcing unsavory individuals to time their bowel movements to coincide with when they are at home. The end result is that this segment of irrational humans will spend most of their time in their house and away from the general public.

Several other progressive states are following suit in order to create a collective movement which ‘pushes pointless nuisances into the Southern states.’

“Other than in the factual and historical sense, America is no place for violent, antiquated, ignorant religious extremist views,” Warren said. “The end game here is that we’ll be able to round ’em all up – likely in Louisiana – and ship ’em out of the country. Now let’s see how Mexico likes that!” Warren concluded.

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