Pope Francis – known for taking progressive stances on modern issues – announced that he will start allowing male priests to marry one another. The move, which has shocked many, is aimed to solve major issues within the church.

“First and foremost, by allowing our male priests to marry one other, we will encourage even more gay men to join in following Christ,” stated Francis. “We’ve already alienated countless homosexuals from the church with our convoluted and outdated interpretations of the holy text. Let’s fix this now and add some pizzazz and sparkle to the church.”

Secondly, Pope Francis noted that by letting the ‘thousands and thousands’ of closeted priests be openly gay, the church will limit the number of altar boys that are being molested in secret.

“Overall, we’d rather find out that Father Stevenson is a ‘leather bear dom top’ and that Father Bryant is a ‘needy power bottom twink’ than hear that another innocent child was harmed,” said Pope Francis.

Finally, the Pope added that the church will only recognize marriages between two men after they have both become priests. When asked about women being able to become priests and get married, Pope Francis commented:

“In both Heaven and on Earth, lesbians are simply too confusing.”

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