The next presidential debate has been officially rebranded as ‘The 2020 Presidential Debate With Jerry Springer,’ as the former TV show host and pseudo-celebrity is set to moderate. The Commission on Presidential Debates confirmed that the October 15th Miami debate will also include Steve Wilkos as security between the chaotic, belligerent Trump and the increasingly fed-up Joe Biden. “If need be, we’ll let them get a few jabs in. Let ’em throw a couple of punches before we have Steve separate the two,” Springer stated. “We’ll have appropriate waivers signed and medics on standby in case one of these geriatrics tries to kick the bucket in the process.” Notably, the Commission on Presidential Debates also admitted today that this was essentially their “last ditch effort to fix everything that went wrong” in the first debate. “We’re really out of ideas, so at least this way things seem to actually make some sort of sense. If you can’t get them under control, just let them be out of control in the appropriate setting,” commission Co-Chair Deanne Reeder stated. “Jerry Springer and Steve Wilkos are the perfect people to handle what is sure to be yet another national embarrassment.” Photo Credit Justin Hoch, Luigi Novi
President Trump announced today that he may not participate in the 2020 Presidential Debates after realizing that he’s used up every last one of his best words. “I’ve said ’em all folks. All of my best, most tremendous words. Every single one of them,” Trump stated. “Bigly, Nazzies, yuge, Chjy-na, covfefe; and anything I tried to say while my dentures were falling out. That’s all I got.”
Joe Biden announced his plan at the Democratic Debate last night to enhance learning opportunities for underprivileged children. The former vice president says, if elected, he’ll be providing everyone with a free gramophone and educational vinyl records that explain why modern day racial inequality “isn’t all that bad.” Photo credit Jalal gerald Aro
“I saw the whole thing. Very odd, very sad.” – Senator Bernie Sanders
“The hardest part for candidates will be trying not to laugh at the very things they claim to find offensive.”
After weeks of back-and-forth rhetoric, Hillary Clinton has finally agreed to debate Bernie Sanders. The Hillary Clinton/DNC Campaign has generously offered several dates, times, and locations for the two to clash – including some specific rules. Option #1: During the NCAA Championship game on April 4th, 2016. Debate Rules: The debate cannot begin before the game starts. The candidates will pause all debating during commercial breaks of the game. If, at any point, one team is leading by more than 7 points in the college basketball game, the debate itself will go to an indefinite commercial break. The debate will be pay-per-view with a $250,000 per-home viewership package. All proceeds will go toward the Hillary Clinton campaign. No transcripts of what is said are allowed to be released. Option #2: Yesterday. Debate Rules: Bernie Sanders has to go on live, national television and apologize to Hillary for not showing up to yesterday’s debate, which she agreed to have today. He will apologize for his tone and the media will be required to cover the whole speech – giving Bernie Sanders the most airtime he’s ever seen. Option #3: November 8th, 2016 Debate Rules: None. Thank you for reading my latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook page.
“During the latest Republican Presidential Debate, Dr. Ben Carson took the time to lay out a shockingly specific plan for how ISIS could severely cripple the…”