Billionaire businessman and entrepreneur Elon Musk recently purchased 420 private jets in an effort to prevent 19-year-old college freshman Jack Sweeny from using an algorithm he created to reveal where Musk and his plane are at all times. Notably, Musk … Continue reading Elon Musk Buys 420 Private Jets To Stop Teen’s Flight-Tracking Bot From Tweeting His Location
The Food Network announced today that they have come to an agreement with Guy Fieri on a new contract after a two week long discussion and multiple doctor’s visits to check up on Fieri’s health. Because of test results, the … Continue reading Food Network Signs $80 Million Contract With Guy Fieri For 3-Years, Or Until Death By Heart Attack
An obscure rule in Congress will block Republican voters from receiving the next $1,400 stimulus check because none of their representatives voted in favor of the latest bill which passed 50-49 along party lines. The relevant regulation is referred to … Continue reading $1,400 Stimulus Passes Along Party Lines Meaning Only Democrat Voters Will Receive Checks
Members of Congress revealed today that they had forgotten to sign their insufficient joke of a stimulus bill with a sincere ‘Fuck You’ in order to make the document as transparent as possible. “With a few simple votes we will … Continue reading Congress Revisits Stimulus Bill After Forgetting to Sign it With a Sincere ‘Fuck You’ To American Citizens
Scientists at the World Health Organization who normally study microplastics have shifted their research to larger macroplastics after millions of Americans have admitted to eating their credit cards. “We cannot stress this enough,” head researcher Franz Blankenmann stated, “eating your … Continue reading More and more Americans are eating their maxed-out credit cards
Since Starbucks released its Pumpkin Spice latte back in 2003 Americans have recycled the same tired jokes about basic bitch valley girls, UGG boots, North Face vests and sucking down concentrated type-2 diabetes. Scientists now say that after 16 years … Continue reading After 16 years everyone can shut the fuck up about pumpkin spice, scientists say
In a gross oversight, the Trump White House has built a border wall completely encompassing the state of New Mexico. State Governor Michelle Grisham spoke out about the new enclosure. “The border wall progress that president Trump kept touting was … Continue reading White House denies accidentally constructing a wall around New Mexico
Upon boarding planes over the weekend, customers immediately noticed that there were no seatbelts. Continue reading Spirit Airlines Began Using Cargo Planes Over the Weekend Without Warning Passengers
Get rid of your twenty dollar bills before it’s too late! The U.S. Treasury Department says it will be taking the value of a $20 bill down to zero. Continue reading U.S. Treasury is Voiding the Value of the $20 Bill Due to Problems With New Harriet Tubman Twenty
“At this point teachers must be making, what? $125 thousand a year and they won’t stop complaining?” DeVos stated. “We have to push back against these union thugs who are always striking.” Continue reading Betsy DeVos Removes ‘Appreciation’ From National Teacher Appreciation Day
“Someone from that festival will be having an unwanted child that babbles bullshit for years; so when that happens, I highly recommend they name it Kanye.” Continue reading Kanye West Was Selling Damaged Condoms at Coachella for $125
“I can tell you how the world ends right now. We fart ourselves to death.” – Stanford Professor Böse Blahung Continue reading Disgusting Lactose Intolerant People Emit the Same Amount of Methane as Dairy Cows
Mr. Cox has locked Eric Trump in the White House’s cold storage room next to the bowling alley in an attempt to show that air pollution does not harm humans. Continue reading Eric Trump is Currently Locked in a Room That’s Being Pumped Full of Pollution
“Mr. Trump rationalized eating 17 apple pies before vomiting all over himself and his desk. It makes sense to us, but we don’t expect the mainstream media to get it.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders Continue reading Trump Eats 17 McDonald’s Apple Pies for Pi Day
Weird Foods the Locals Eat: From Alabama to Wisconsin. Would You Try Them? #StrangeFood Continue reading Strange Foods Only Found in These States
