“Most of the leathery, ball-related action on the field actually takes place in the players’ jockstraps,” Commissioner Rob Manfred stated. Continue reading MLB Highlights “The Raw Sexual Tension of Baseball” on Opening Day
“I permanently cut cheese out of my diet,” police officer Damien Stephens stated. “If you’ve never seen a ‘Kraft Singles Cheese Queef Shower,’ I recommend that you keep it that way.” Continue reading Patriots Owner Caught in Massive Cheese-Fetish Pornography Ring
“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated. Continue reading Leaders of Catholic Church Gather to Watch ‘Men in Black II’ & Build Memory-Erasing Machine
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.” Continue reading Mars Rover Found Dead From Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation
Democrats are trying to persuade Melania Trump to bring the president to mindblowing climax. Continue reading Democrats Are Lobbying Melania Trump to Have Sex With the President
“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,” Continue reading A Face-Licking Epidemic is Freaking Out Floridians
“Handies start at $18 and prices go up from there.” Continue reading Desperate, Unpaid Government Employees Shift to Sex Work, Drug Trafficking
“We do strongly prefer that they be handed over as they’ll be repurposed as thrusting devices in sex toys.” Continue reading Banned Bump Stocks Will Be Recycled as Sex Toys, Justice Department Says
Trump starts gagging and declares that ‘the golden juice went down the wrong pipe!’ Continue reading Mueller: Gay Tryst, Pee Tape Emerged From Investigation
“The investigation is not meant to be a space expedition. Unfortunately, we don’t have a Space Force yet.” – Kellyanne Conway Continue reading Sexual Predator Could be 2nd Alien on Supreme Court
“He’s found a loophole here and it’s simply stunning.” – Rudy Giuliani Continue reading Kavanaugh Avoids Sex Scandal by Becoming Ordained Priest Overnight
“The president had been taking Viagra six times a day – one pill with every meal.” – Rudy Giuliani Continue reading Viagra Ends Trump Sponsorship Deal
Banana sales have increased by 27% in the United States. Continue reading Dole Recalls 27 Million Bananas for Having Penis DNA
“We should always be looking up to God before going down to worship,” said Francis. Continue reading Pope Asks all Catholics to Pray Before Oral Intercourse
“The last time that Tom was this upset was after the 31-0 loss to the Bills in 2003.” Continue reading ‘Months of Pegging’ Needed for Brady to Overcome Super Bowl Loss
“Dennis is cool. He’s not a weird guy, and he knows a lot about football, but the other guys just didn’t seem comfortable, whatsoever, with his humor,” stated Sorenson… Continue reading Gay Friend Making Fantasy Football League Awkward
“I will be abstaining from the locker room, and football i guess, for awhile because God spoke to me and told me that I should stop doing what I’m doing,” said Wilson. ” I told God right then and there that I would.. Continue reading Star Quarterback Russell Wilson Announces “Hiatus From the Field”
