Elizabeth Warren Recommends Changing Your Dreamcatcher Filter Every Spring

“My dreams became littered with terrifying sex monsters that attacked my lesbian lover Barb.” – Elizabeth Warren

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Yale Study Says Farting Burns More Calories Than Working Out

“If friendship and odors don’t matter to you, then you could really get in great shape.”

Tim Cook Swallows an Entire iPhone XS Max to Prove It’s Environmentally Friendly

“I’m sorry. I didn’t get that,” Siri apologized as a wide-eyed Cook choked on a chunk of the XS Max.

Over 100 Million Eggs Recalled on Easter Over Concerns They’re Making Kids Gay

“Eggland’s Best apologizes if we’ve torn apart any families because of our gay eggs.”

Johnson & Johnson Releases New ‘Extra Tears’ Baby Shampoo

Johnson & Johnson is introducing the product after research proved that about 87% of parents were looking for ways to “get back at their babies” – in a fairly harmless way – for the countless sleepless nights, spit-ups, disgusting diapers, nasty farts and constant fussing.”

Disgusting Lactose Intolerant People Emit the Same Amount of Methane as Dairy Cows

“I can tell you how the world ends right now. We fart ourselves to death.” – Stanford Professor Böse Blahung

Eric Trump is Currently Locked in a Room That’s Being Pumped Full of Pollution

Mr. Cox has locked Eric Trump in the White House’s cold storage room next to the bowling alley in an attempt to show that air pollution does not harm humans.

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