Elon Musk’s Test Monkeys That Didn’t Die From Brain Implant Clearly Plotting Revenge

Recent reports claim that billionaire Elon Musk’s company Neuralink may have killed up to 15 test monkeys by implanting computer chips into their brains. Now, researchers and Musk are saying that the remaining monkeys are clearly plotting revenge. “Every single … Continue reading Elon Musk’s Test Monkeys That Didn’t Die From Brain Implant Clearly Plotting Revenge

capitol stormers wish theyd worn hoods like grandparents used to

Arrested Capitol Attackers Now Wish They’d Worn Hoods Like Their Grandparents

Citing a lack of anonymity as being their primary mistake, countless arrested domestic terrorists who stormed the Capitol now say they regret not wearing white, pointy hoods like their grandparents had during riots past. “Collectively, we should have learned from … Continue reading Arrested Capitol Attackers Now Wish They’d Worn Hoods Like Their Grandparents

Putin Confirms Bounty on US Troops, Says ‘America’s Orange Puppet Won’t Do Shit’

In perhaps his boldest move in years, Russian president Vladimir Putin admitted today that he had placed a bounty on the heads of American troops in Afghanistan. The cavalier admission comes less than a day after Russia vehemently denied the … Continue reading Putin Confirms Bounty on US Troops, Says ‘America’s Orange Puppet Won’t Do Shit’

Swarm of 40,000 Africanized Bees Prompts City to Enact Stop-and-Frisk Policy

A swarm of 40,000 Africanized bees terrified white residents of Pasadena, California yesterday, prompting authorities to implement a stop-and-frisk policy in the city. “By simply stopping all of the African bees and forcibly removing their stingers, we will be able … Continue reading Swarm of 40,000 Africanized Bees Prompts City to Enact Stop-and-Frisk Policy

Glenn Beck Converts to Islam, Burns Down Notre Dame Cathedral

“You won’t hear about this, but I burned down the Notre Dame Cathedral,” Beck confirmed live on Fox & Friends. “This was France’s 9/11 and if I weren’t there to see it firsthand, you’d never know it was me: Glenn Beck, a casual, disposable, everyday Islamic terrorist.” Continue reading Glenn Beck Converts to Islam, Burns Down Notre Dame Cathedral