Woke Methamphetamine user Greg Simms of Mobile, Alabama, and tens of thousands of drug users around the world, are refusing to use meth made with Pfizer’s Advil Cold & Sinus. The movement comes in response to the company’s direct role in the opioid epidemic in which Pfizer maliciously funneled Oxycontin through skeezy doctors for years; contributing to countless deaths. “As a result of Pfizer’s actions, meth users everywhere have made the conscious decision to ethically source our ingredients from Pfizer’s competitor Johnson & Johnson,” a nearly toothless Simms stated. “Plus, it’s worth noting that Sudafed is toxin-free, so you get a smooth, zero-guilt hit every time.” As of press time, Johnson & Johnson stock was up 11% – completely offsetting last weeks plummet after it was discovered that their baby powder can cause cancer. Advertisements
Secretary of Commerce and ventriloquist dummy come-to-life Wilbur Ross publicly announced today that he prays the spread of the coronavirus will bring “death economy jobs” to America. “With the titilating prospect of the coronavirus becoming a global pandemic, citizens will be seeing more work opportunities,” Ross stated. “We’re talking jobs like funeral home manager, gravedigger, coffin designer, face mask and hazmat suit sellers. Hopefully Americans will be able to keep up with the demand.” As of press time, president Trump stated that he wanted to “push the little green start button on a gigantic crematorium machine, like all of the other great leaders have.”
British Airways announced today that they’ll be denying all healthy passengers access to flights both to and from China. Instead, the company says it will offer flights exclusively to people infected with the coronavirus. “Our pilots, flight attendants, baggage handlers, and passengers will all be required to have the virus to board,” CEO Alex Cruz stated. “This way, as we fly sick people around the world, they won’t be infecting their fellow plane riders. Hopefully ideas like this will spread quickly.”
Scientists have discovered the oldest known material on Earth: a pubic hair that’s 7 billion years old. The finding is causing many scientists to rethink their views on religion. “Long ago this hair was most likely tucked away in God’s long, flowing, white robe,” head researcher Brian Heckman stated. “It struck our planet half a century ago, perhaps after being plucked or shaved off by our merciful creator.” Researchers believe the finding will open doors to more religion-based science. “This ancient interstellar crotch crop, made of presolar protiens means there’s more to find,” Heckman stated. “The universe could very well be filled with God’s toenail clippings, nose hairs, and dry skin; we just haven’t been looking for it.”
Users of the popular gay dating and hookup app ‘Grindr’ have reported that Vice President Mike Pence had a countdown to impeachment on his profile that only remained visible for a few minutes. One user managed to snap a screen shot of Pence’s profile before it was changed. Later the two men met at the vice president’s home in Washington D.C. whereupon Pence gave the man a rusty trombone for nearly 4 hours while masterfully performing several patriotic songs with his lips.
The first case of the coronavirus has hit the US and the Center for Disease Control has partnered with Corona Light to raise a glass and some awareness. The two organizations say the cure could be as simple as drinking an ice-cold, refreshing Corona Light. “Although we can’t pinpoint what’s causing the virus to spread, we can unequivocally state that drinking a crisp, lime-infused Corona Light with a salted rim could very well be the cure,” CDC Director Robert Redfield stated. “Now, for legal reasons I have to state that there’s no evidence that cracking open a frothy brew with your best friends and getting with all the ladies will prevent or cure the disease, but there’s also zero evidence to prove otherwise.”
A group of white supremacists, anti-government militias, extremists – and what we are assuming are some very fine people – gathered today outside of the the capital building in Richmond, Virginia wearing masquerade outfits to protest background checks for purchasing guns. The right wing groups claim they aren’t there to intimidate anyone; except for the government and anyone that disagrees with them. Most people at the rally wore flamboyant robes and porcelain-like masks while they carried shotguns, pistols, military-style rifles, handguns and even lugged around machine guns. “We aren’t here to intimidate anyone,” one man wearing a floral mask, white lipstick and carrying an assault rifle stated in a deep southern accent. “But try to take my guns and I’ll fucking kill you!” As of press time, authorities are hoping that no acts of terror or violence occur. “When you get this many ‘good guys’ with guns in one spot, a single terrorist would probably only be able to shoot a few people before everyone would open fire, killing the terrorist and at least 30 people around them,” Virginia Governor Ralph Northam stated. “Unfortunately, sometimes it’s just hard to protect people from themselves, but doing background checks before selling guns should be a step in the right direction.”