(Rochester, MN) The Mayo Clinic medical center announced today that it is weighing the pros and cons of offering non-mayonnaise-based treatments for the first time in their 156 years of operation. “After reporting zero breakthroughs in our COVID-19 testing labs by injecting patients with mayonnaise, the Mayo Clinic is now strongly considering other forms of medicine that are not centered around this off-white, delicious condiment,” CEO Gregory Ferarra stated. The Mayo Clinic says this new mayo-free approach could also spread to their heart disease research program, which so far has seen a zero percent recovery rate for patients that are placed on a strict, mayonnaise-based diet. Advertisements
Dennis Rodman, the former NBA star and longtime buddy of Kim Jong Un, announced today that he will be doing his deceased friend’s hair for his funeral. Rodman said he was contacted by North Korea and informed of the supreme leader’s wishes this morning.
In the wake of Donald Trump suggesting that we inject people with disinfectants to kill the coronavirus during his daily address, scientists have gone ahead and preemptively issued a warning against turning your oven on and then sticking your head right in. “What we’re doing here is trying to cover all of our bases before Mr. Trump proposes another potentially fatal solution for COVID-19. The heat from the oven will not kill the virus before it has already killed you.” head of the US Center for Science Paul Higgins stated. “We’re also going to go ahead and warn against shining UV lights directly into your eyes or inserting flashlights into your rectum. We’ll be issuing more warnings as we come up with them.” The Center for Science also said it would be taking suggestions for new warnings from the general public. “No idea is too stupid at this point,” Higgins stated. “Just send your warnings our way and we’ll announce them to the nation.”
With toilet paper shortages across the country, the federal government has approved $320 million to be used to buy back toilet paper from countless Americans who purchased way too much during the onset of the pandemic. The move to set aside money to buy back toilet tissue will help the government to secure an estimated 380 million rolls for redistribution. Notably, the $320 million was initially requested through a bill entitled “Stimulus Helping Individuals That Hoarded Essentials Associated with Defecation” or the S.H.I.T.H.E.A.D. Act before being added to the upcoming stimulus package as an earmark.
Swarms of conservatives surrounded Pennsylvania’s capitol building in Harrisburg today while chanting the popular pro-choice phrase “My body, my choice!” all while ignoring social distancing rules and undoubtedly spreading the coronavirus to one another. With rallies like this taking place all over the country, leading experts believe that there will be an influx of COVID-19 cases and deaths. “It’s one thing to be unhappy with the current situation that has been brought on by the virus, but it’s another thing to not carry these stay-at-home and social distancing orders to term,” head immunologist Anthony Fauci stated. “None of us wanted this virus. We may not like it, we may not have been prepared for it, and we may not be able to afford to pay our bills because of it, but we cannot simply abort our plans and abandon our approach before we’ve seen this baby through. I’d give it about 9 months.”
Today, conservatives across the country gathered to remember the time in 1955 that civil rights hero Rosa Parks boarded an Alabama bus with an AR-15 and a confederate flag while visibly sick with the whooping cough. “Miss Parks was the first person with the guts to stand up and say, ‘I don’t care whether or not I’m sick, fuck you guys, I’m riding the goddamned bus!’” White House economic advisor Stephen Moore stated. “What we are seeing today is no different.” Indeed, from coast to coast countless mentally – and likely physically – sick Americans rallied together in direct defiance of medical experts and official state government orders to stay at home and practice social distancing. “The people we are seeing outside during this pandemic are the civil rights leaders of today. Like Rosa Parks, they would rather be arrested than willingly surrender their rights and liberties,” Moore stated. “I’m certain that their bravery will lead to a nationwide change as their defiance is already contagious. You can’t deny that something is spreading here in America.”
An in-depth study by the University of California-Berkeley revealed today that the number of Americans who drown in a swimming pool last year far surpassed the amount of people who have ever received any helpful advice from Dr. Phil. “In the United States alone, 3,536 people drown in a pool last year,” head researcher Brian Fardango stated. “While any number is too high when talking about death, this amount of pool-related deaths is still far higher than the number of people who have ever received useful advice from ‘Dr. Phil’ who is unlicensed to practice any form of medicine.” “Additionally, we estimate that of the 3,536 people who drown in a swimming pool last year, at least half of them met their demise by directly following advice from Dr. Phil himself,” Fardango stated. Researchers at Berkeley also noted that those who did claim to have benefit from Dr. Phil’s advice already had brain activity similar to those who had been found floating face-down in a swimming pool.