Democrats are taking heat after forcing a clandestine weekend vote today in which they managed to approve a minor name change to US Army base Fort Bragg; one of several US bases named after Confederate generals. “In honor of president Trump, our motion to officially change the name of ‘Fort Bragg’ to ‘Fort Brag’ with one letter ‘G’ has passed,” Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated. “Let this be a late, but imperative reminder that we should never celebrate treasonous traitors of the United States, but rather call them out – wherever they are – for what they really are.” Pelosi later told reporters that the idea behind the name change was inspired by president Trump himself who had weighed in on the issue of US military base names just yesterday. “I mean, if they really have to change the names. And you hate to see it. But if they really need to change them and there’s no other options, maybe they should name one or two after me?” Trump suggested with a shrug. “I’m no Confederate general, but I certainly agree with a lot of what they stood for. That’s what I would call a compromise.” As of Sunday afternoon, Democrats were hailing the name change as “frugal” and “a step in the right direction” as the taxpayer cost to remove a single ‘G’ from the end of all signage was minimal – allowing budgeting for the addition of Trump’s silhouette on every sign.
The Director of the CDC, Robert Redfield, took questions on schools reopening this morning alongside Donald Trump during an odd White House Press conference at which he wore a leather and rubber ball gag. “He couldn’t find his mask, but Mike (Pence) had a spare one of these,” Trump explained on behalf of Redfield. “So if anyone has questions for Mr. Redfield, just go ahead and ask and I’ll be more than happy to interpret what he’s saying.” A member from the press then asked the CDC Director if he thought that schools should be opening on schedule. “Mmmmph Mmrrghgg Mmm!” Redfield moaned while shaking his head, “Hhhhmmmmmphhh mmmmhhmmm hmmmgrrmm!” “He’s saying that all of the beautiful science he’s doing shows that we can reopen the schools!” Trump smiled. “And that we’re doing such a tremendous job that if we wanted to, we could open them early! Maybe even next week! Wow! How about that folks?!” As of press time the White House had released a statement on behalf of the CDC stating that Redfield now preferred the ball gag and that he’d be wearing one for the foreseeable future.
According to a leaked memo, Fox News anchors are now only allowed to refer to COVID-19 deaths as “meetings with Jesus.” Many are calling the move a shamefully transparent attempt to influence public perception of the White House’s handling of the pandemic. “As a God-fearing Christian, it makes me jealous that so many people are getting to meet Jesus,” Fox News host Laura Ingraham smiled. “Because the world is such a chaotic place right now, who wouldn’t rather be meeting our Lord and Savior? Doesn’t that sound wonderful?” As of noon today, Fox News was reporting that 73% of coronavirus victims from the US – or about 100,740 people – were having a fantastic time in Heaven. The network also reminded non-believers that there was still time to convert and be saved from an eternity of burning in hell; a message that has already been a part of Fox’s daily programming since 1996.
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”
57-year-old death row inmate and serial killer Kyle Perklans was forcibly removed from the Louisiana State Penitentiary today after refusing to follow the institution’s mask guidelines. Perklans, who was scheduled to die from lethal injection on Saturday night, is now a free man. “I don’t care who you are, you aren’t allowed inside of our prison system if you refuse to wear a mask – there are no exceptions,” warden Michael Sullivan stated. “Now Mr. Perklans has an entire lifetime to sit and think long and hard about how his actions impact others.” As of early Thursday, the freed killer was already in Georgia where Governor Brian Kemp has banned cities and counties from mandating masks. Perklans says he plans to raise his murder count significantly by simply licking a few doorknobs and then joining likeminded people at an anti-mask rally. “It’s not my preferred method of killing, but it gets the job done,” Perklans said of joining the protests. “Everyone was livid when I bludgeoned seven people with a hammer, but there’s no repercussions when I do it this way.” Photo credit Stefano Mazzone
A recent study published by Princeton reveals that approximately 31% of Americans are not smart enough to understand how a virus spreads, why they should be wearing masks, or how their reckless behavior is forcing states to re-close businesses. “Not only are these people dumb, but they’re incredibly frustrated; making them increasingly vocal,” Princeton sociology professor Dana Sundown stated. “Making matters worse, they’re found throughout every segment of society and in every profession. In fact, everything in our study suggests that the US might very well be the least educated first world country.” Experts at Princeton said that although the study had grim findings that smarter Americans shouldn’t give up hope. “Even with the worst-case scenario, we still see a light at the end of the tunnel,” Sundown stated. “At some point, years from now, enough of these anti-science, anti-maskers will die out or be shunned from society to a degree that will allow for life to get back to normal. Unfortunately, we don’t see things really improving for years if the country’s leadership doesn’t change.” As of mid July the United States was the worst of all first world countries at responding to the coronavirus, but a third of Americans – including the president – were too fucking stupid to believe it.
Thousands of Americans’ lives have flashed before their eyes in the past 24 hours after Goya CEO Robert Unanue announced that he was a huge Donald Trump supporter. Since the statement, conservatives everywhere began buying up Goya products, despite being woefully unprepared for what a class action lawsuit is now calling “life-threatening levels of spiciness.” Key offenders on the Goya product line included Adobo all-purpose seasoning, dry chiles, canned jalapeño peppers, Authentic Latino Seasoning Mix, and all of the company’s hot sauces and salsas. Lawyers representing the plaintiffs say that it’s an unfortunate situation, but Goya needs to pay the price for their unsafe products. “When Goya sells its products, they’re not selling the best. They’re selling products that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems to our grocery aisles and into our homes,” a statement from the lawyers read. “They’re bringing death. The spices rape your throat, and some of them, I assume, are good products.” As of Friday countless conservatives have reported near-death experiences and prosecutors are pushing for all Goya products to either be removed from stores, or be given prominent warning labels for when white people are feeling adventurous in the Hispanic Foods aisle.