Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky is now offering NATO beer and pizza if they agree to come help clear out Russian planes from Ukrainian airspace. “It’s not much. Just a few little planes here and there. It shouldn’t take more than … Continue reading Zelensky Now Offering NATO Beer & Pizza If They’ll Help Clear Out Ukrainian Airspace
The manufacturer of cocaine released a brief statement today cutting ties with their now-former spokesperson Donald Trump Jr. “We stand for responsible use of cocaine. A bump here, a line there. You know, a rail every once in awhile,” the … Continue reading Cocaine Drops Don Jr. As Official Spokesperson For Drug
Republicans helped Kanye West get himself on the Wisconsin ballot for the 2020 presidential election today; a move that could divert votes from Joe Biden to West and hand Trump a victory in the swing state. Despite having unmanaged mental … Continue reading Republicans Use Egotistical Lunatic to Help Reelect Egotistical Lunatic
President Trump told reporters today that he believed that mail-in voting for the 2020 election would result in the most inaccurate and fraudulent election in history. Trump added that he’d be “much more comfortable” having Russia oversee the mail-in ballots … Continue reading Trump Says Unbiased Third Party ‘Such as Russia’ Should Oversee 2020 Mail-In Ballots
1 in 4 people are chronic snorers, and if you’re reading this, we know that you’re desperately looking for a solution that will end your partner’s snoring for good. So here it is, plain and simple: this quick lifehack will … Continue reading Lifehack: How 35 Weighted Blankets Can Get Your Partner to Stop Snoring for Good
So I’ve been trying for the better part of an hour now to put all of these cheap, plastic attachments back on my goddamned vacuum cleaner. One could certainly say by looking at the various shapes on the back of … Continue reading Help! I have no fucking clue how to fit these back on my vacuum cleaner
Until I read Susan Collin’s book ‘Quiet‘ I never consciously realized I was a prattling, annoying bitch. It was one of life’s “aha” moments. I personally don’t believe extroversion is a virtue. Extroverts: If you took the time to shut the fuck up, … Continue reading Extroverted? Here are 5 tips on how to shut the fuck up
“Rand Paul’s house is currently under attack and burning down,” TV personality and activist Jon Stewart stated. Continue reading Americans Crash Hundreds of Drones Into Rand Paul’s Mansion, Nobody Comes to Help
“Honestly, I think we’re just going to move every piece of debris 10 feet to the right and see if that helps,” Long stated. Continue reading Bewildered Hurricane Responders Begin Arduous Task of ‘Moving Everything 10 Feet to the Right’
SeaWorld in San Antonio, Texas is refusing to properly dispose of the corpse of the recently deceased, 18-year-old orca named Unna. Instead, the park has opted to continue using the lifeless animal to continue bringing in crowds and doing shows.
With PETA in an uproar and petitions circling the Internet… Continue reading SeaWorld Refusing to Free Dead Whale
“Dennis is cool. He’s not a weird guy, and he knows a lot about football, but the other guys just didn’t seem comfortable, whatsoever, with his humor,” stated Sorenson… Continue reading Gay Friend Making Fantasy Football League Awkward
(Photo by BrokenSphere. No endorsement implied) Sources say a Raiders fan that was hit with an offhand comment while at a San Francisco bar was leaking from the tear ducts as he was being carried out. Authorities report that he … Continue reading Raiders Fan Severely Injured by Errant Insult
Gallup has released a poll that shows that Republicans care more about poor people than Democrats. Indeed, the poll has raised some eyebrows on the left as they have always claimed to be the party that supports programs that assist the poor. Continue reading Poll: Republicans Care More About the Poor
“I know that normally previous Popes and religious leaders would ask you to pray for those in Nepal,” stated Pope Francis. “In lieu of this, I’m asking for people to Continue reading Pope Says Nepal Earthquake is an ‘Act of God’ and Calls for Change
