Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) is facing up to 5 years in jail for tax evasion after telling reporters today that he had “already paid taxes once before, so why would I pay them again?” When pressed for more information, Paul starting arguing that he has “immunity from any and all charges” because of the fact that he paid taxes in 1981 when he was audited. “I got hit by the IRS back when I was 18 for not paying taxes and I thought that was it,” Paul stated. “You know. A one and done kind of situation.” Authorities have already started removing furniture from Paul’s home and are garnishing the Senator’s wages, including money he received from a settlement after his neighbor understandably kicked his ass. As of press time Rand Paul was still only the second worst Senator from Kentucky after Mitch McConnell.
Senator Rand Paul incorrectly asserted today that New York City has achieved herd immunity from COVID-19 and that the rest of the US should follow suit. Paul then proceeded to get down on his knees to lick and slobber on a door handle. “If we could all just do something like this…” Paul stated before opening his mouth and deepthroating the silver handle for the better part of a minute. He then switched to staring directly into the camera while slowly licking the length of the hard metal before continuing. “…then we could reach herd immunity and stop having to worry about COVID-19 within a month.” As of press time Republican Senators were lining up to orally defile the same door handle in a show of solidarity with Rand Paul.
Activating his fight-or-flight self-defense mechanism, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul completely melted into the pavement last night while being confronted by protesters after the Republican National Convention. As a small crowd began to gather around Paul and grow more vocal, the senator said that he “began to feel threatened” stating that he “couldn’t handle the heat.” Experts explained what happened next. “As is a snowflake’s natural response to heat, the molecules that make up Paul’s body began moving faster, breaking the hydrogen bonds between them; causing the senator to melt and turn into water,” meteorologist Michael Duvall stated. “This allowed Paul to spread out in the cracks and camouflage himself among the other moist sludge and trash. After that, we assume Mr. Paul slowly seeped his way to a safe space.”
“Rand Paul’s house is currently under attack and burning down,” TV personality and activist Jon Stewart stated.