In a move that’s shocked constitutional scholars, President Trump announced late Sunday night that the Department of Justice has officially been dissolved. 

Gone are the days of the DOJ standing in the way of his personal goals. In its place? The newly formed “Department of Just Us” -comprised of, according to Trump, “Only Me and Elon.”

“I mean, why keep pretending laws apply to everyone?” Trump quipped in a late-night speech. “Gone are the days of unfairness. We’re going full-steam ahead, and if you’re not with me, it doesn’t matter because you’re not part of what Elon and I are calling the Justice of Outrageous Overlords! That’s right, the JOOs are in control!”

Trump & Musk Announce End of Investigations

In addition to the DOJ announcement, Trump and Elon Musk jointly declared that “all investigations into their activities, ranging from shady business practices to general lawlessness are hereby null and void.” 

The pair gave no explanation for the sudden decision, other than to say they were sick of all the distractions.

“We’ve got bigger things to focus on. Like, really big things,” Trump said, in a statement that sent legal professionals into a collective panic.

Musk chimed in with, “I can’t innovate if I’m distracted by all these petty lawsuits. So, we’re moving forward. No looking back!”

The move has sparked alarm from legal experts, with one analyst calling it “a complete disregard for the integrity of the legal system.” 

Another summed it up succinctly: “This isn’t governance. It’s a dictatorship with a shitty PR team.”

The White House Responds

The White House argues that the administration is simply cutting through red tape to focus on the bigger picture. 

“This is about efficiency,” said a White House spokesperson. “We’re not here for legal distractions. The only thing holding us back is the law, and we’ve decided we’re done with that.”