A Gallop poll on happiness was released today that shows more than 70% of millennials are “totally okay with dying, like literally right now.” Here are the top 10 reasons that were given by participants: 10) Can’t afford health insurance … Continue reading 10 Reasons Why 73% of Millennials Are Totally Okay With Dying, Like Literally Right Now
Morgues across the United States are preparing for the next three days of death and carnage as Daylight Savings Time (DST) is upon us once again. The annual extreme spike in American deaths was first directly linked to DST by … Continue reading Morgues Prepare For Onslaught of Corpses Killed by Daylight Savings Time
A blood stain is one of the most challenging stains to remove from your floors. This week we’ll be teaching you how to remove blood from your hardwood or linoleum floor using Totally Spot-Less Bleach powered by Clorox 2®. Step … Continue reading How do I get this out? Your guide to blood removal with Clorox bleach
Although most Americans admit they aren’t worthy of going to Heaven, the vast majority also say that they haven’t made a plan for when they inevitably become God’s leftovers. What do you think? Continue reading Alarming: Most Americans have no plan for when they aren’t raptured
Those on the left are being told to stay indoors after public officials warned of a second active Koch brother. “Although one threat has been neutralized, there’s still another bad man reeking havoc on the country,” Joe Biden stated. The … Continue reading Officials warn liberals that a 2nd active Koch Brother is still at large
It’s a smart way to recycle while also saying ‘Thanks for playing the game of life! You certainly didn’t win, Sharon, but here’s a fucking trophy.’ Continue reading Millennials are burying their parents with the participation trophies they didn’t ask for
“With the amount of mass shootings we’re having, it’s not unreasonable to expect savings of around $4,500 a year.” Continue reading Most of Country Keeping Flags at Half-Staff to Save on Labor Costs
Japan will resume the commercial killing of overweight citizens in an effort to curb the population of the island and supplement dwindling soybean supplies. Continue reading Japan Resumes Hunting of Overweight Citizens After 30-Year Ban
“It’s an odd hellscape where you can hear people scream as their bones crunch under your boots.” Continue reading Piling Bodies, Trash & Feces Make Mount Everest 9 Feet Taller Every Week
“We wanted to name it something to do with the color blue, because the ocean is blue, even from space. In the end we settled on Whale Force and I think that’s just fine.” Continue reading US Announces ‘Whale Force’ Military Division
We may never understand what a vegan is, or why fish qualifies as a meat, but we’ll never forget that if global warming is real, at least the vegans died first.” – DonaldTrump Continue reading Lettuce Recall Helps Millions of Vegans Cut Carbon Footprint by Dying of Starvation
“It’s crazy to say it, but you almost wish they weren’t dead.” Continue reading National Association of Funeral Directors Says Photos of Dead are ‘On Fleek’
Obama suggests Trump could have avoided many scandals with one trick. Continue reading Obama: “I Don’t Know Why Donald Paid All of These Women – I Had Mine Killed.”
“Now it will look like you want to pay attention to your baby.” Continue reading Google & Pampers Partner to Make ‘Pampers Glass’ Diapers
“I absolutely loathe flu season,” stated Comcast CEO Brian L. Roberts. Continue reading Working Americans Cherish Flu Season
‘Bananons,’ will be infused with Everclear grain alcohol which… Continue reading Steve Bannon Starts Line of Alcoholic Bananas
“We estimate that he was out cold with water in his lungs for about 2 minutes.” Continue reading President Trump is Still Learning How to Drink Water
