Working Americans Cherish Flu Season

The 2018 flu season already ranks as one of the worst in many years. With widespread influenza ravaging the American working class, many are ecstatic at the possibility of missing several days at their shitty jobs.

“I’d gladly take a fever, Netflix, vomiting, and chills – any day – over sitting in my cubicle for 9 hours a day wishing I were dead,” shared Customer Service Rep. Laverne Wilcox of Scottsdale, AZ. “I mean, I only make $11 an hour and I have over $40,000 of debt, so what’s the fucking difference anyway?”

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A photo of what the average American worker looks like when not sick. (Source: Center for Disease Control & Prevention)

What’s more, there is piling evidence that entire offices of underlings have agreements to hide the fact that a coworker has fallen ill.

“We do this for a few days in order to infect as many fellow coworkers as possible,” said Wilcox. “We all deserve to experience the luxury of having severe headaches and fatigue from the flu at home, rather than these same symptoms being induced in and by a nightmarish office setting.”

Yet, those who claim to be hit the hardest by the flu this year are the barely-working CEOs and other higher-ups of large corporations. With fewer people to do all of the work, many of these executives can abstractly feel unnoticeable dips in their incomes.

“I absolutely loathe flu season,” stated Comcast CEO Brian L. Roberts. “When our peons get sick I’m not able to line my pockets with as much cash as I’d like.”

“In fact, this year, I will have to hold off construction on my new house in Palm Springs because I’ve decided to finish building my estate in the South of France first. Man, I really wanted to have my birthday party there this fall. Wait, what were we talking about again?”

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Approximately 37% of Americans repeatedly bang their heads on office furniture to forget about their pointless lives. (US Dept. of Labor)

Indeed, with Roberts only receiving a pay increase from $36.25 million in 2015 to $40.8 million in 2017 – he is nervous about his future and the future of his wife and kids.

“It is likely that I may have to start paying accountants to do budgeting for each of my kids in case of an unforeseeable event. I mean, this year 30 of my Comcast riffraff have died from the flu already. What if next year even more die? What if I am suddenly required to provide healthcare for all of my employees?” said Roberts. “It’s really a scary scenario to think about, so I often have one of my maids or servants do it for me.”

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