Having Trouble Sleeping? Bathing in the Blood of Your Enemies Could Help
Finally there’s a way for insomniacs and worriers to get a good night’s sleep. Continue reading Having Trouble Sleeping? Bathing in the Blood of Your Enemies Could Help
Category: Announcement
White House Quietly Removes Treason From Offenses Punishable by Death
“We had a brief window of opportunity here and we didn’t take it,” presidential candidate Cory Booker stated. Continue reading White House Quietly Removes Treason From Offenses Punishable by Death
Democrats Will Play Cards Against Humanity On Live TV Instead of Debating
“The hardest part for candidates will be trying not to laugh at the very things they claim to find offensive.” Continue reading Democrats Will Play Cards Against Humanity On Live TV Instead of Debating
Mike Pence, Other Furries Banned From All Chuck E. Cheese’s
“The children’s entertainment and pizza chain explicitly stated that Vice President Mike Pence will not be allowed inside after his furry tail butt plug incident months back.” Continue reading Mike Pence, Other Furries Banned From All Chuck E. Cheese’s
Webster’s Dictionary Adds Photo of Trump to the Definition of ‘Racist’
Today marks the first time that Merriam-Webster has put an official photograph in their famous dictionary. Continue reading Webster’s Dictionary Adds Photo of Trump to the Definition of ‘Racist’
95% of Americans Don’t Believe That Eric Trump Has Any Bottom Teeth
A recent Gallop Poll of 7,500 Americans showed that 95% of citizens don’t believe Eric Trump has a bottom set of teeth. More News Support the Author Take me to the MEMES! Continue reading 95% of Americans Don’t Believe That Eric Trump Has Any Bottom Teeth
Harry Styles Cast to Play the Priest Who Gets a Boner in The Little Mermaid
Expect a Giant Covfefe Balloon at Trump’s 4th of July Parade
Trump is revealing the meaning of ‘covfefe’ and people couldn’t be more excited. Continue reading Expect a Giant Covfefe Balloon at Trump’s 4th of July Parade
Surgeons Will No Longer Be Required To Take Naps Halfway Through Operations
Now it’s possible to avoid having to pay a doctor for their time spent curled up on the operating table next to your barely-clothed, unconscious body. Continue reading Surgeons Will No Longer Be Required To Take Naps Halfway Through Operations
Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham Masters Resting Bitch Face Just in Time to Replace Sarah Sanders
Grisham is scheduled to take a crowbar to the face later today in an attempt to make her eye situation match that of Sanders. Continue reading Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham Masters Resting Bitch Face Just in Time to Replace Sarah Sanders
U.S. Treasury is Voiding the Value of the $20 Bill Due to Problems With New Harriet Tubman Twenty
Get rid of your twenty dollar bills before it’s too late! The U.S. Treasury Department says it will be taking the value of a $20 bill down to zero. Continue reading U.S. Treasury is Voiding the Value of the $20 Bill Due to Problems With New Harriet Tubman Twenty
The New Apple Pro Display XDR Comes in 127 Parts, Each Sold Separately
“In one of the 127 boxes customers will find a serial number,” Cook stated. “That is the number they will enter online; unlocking the ability to purchase the instruction manual for putting the device together.” Continue reading The New Apple Pro Display XDR Comes in 127 Parts, Each Sold Separately
Republicans Blame Parkinson’s For Racial Gerrymandering After Ban By Supreme Court
Deliberately drawing zigzagging lines around all the white people will no longer be an option. Continue reading Republicans Blame Parkinson’s For Racial Gerrymandering After Ban By Supreme Court
Target Adds BDSM Section Next to Electronics
In response, Sam’s Club announced they will be selling “everything necessary to create an elaborate sex dungeon” by July. Continue reading Target Adds BDSM Section Next to Electronics
Ghost of John McCain Announces 2020 Presidential Bid
“With McCain already tormenting Donald Trump by repeatedly moving and re-hiding the pee tape, we can only expect worse and worse episodes.” Continue reading Ghost of John McCain Announces 2020 Presidential Bid
Yes, There’s a Parallel Universe Where You Aren’t a Total Piece of Shit
“You can rest assured that somewhere, in an existing but undetectable universe, another version of you is out there having a meaningful, fulfilling life.” Continue reading Yes, There’s a Parallel Universe Where You Aren’t a Total Piece of Shit
‘Uber Old’ Will Let Elderly Passengers Ride Along, Tell Stories
The option will let baby boomers and the remainder of the silent generation enjoy the company of others. Continue reading ‘Uber Old’ Will Let Elderly Passengers Ride Along, Tell Stories
New York’s Streets Run Red With Blood After State Bans Cat Declawing
“It’s sheer chaos,” New York Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. “Our pussies have gone mad with power.” Continue reading New York’s Streets Run Red With Blood After State Bans Cat Declawing