Men across the globe are abandoning meat overnight after a groundbreaking Harvard University study revealed that a healthy, plant-based diet is directly linked to increased blood flow, penis size, and harder erections.
The study found that 89% of men who adopted a healthy vegan diet for 6 months experienced an average growth of half an inch within six months — numbers not promised since the golden era of spam emails.
”I don’t care about animal rights, or the environment, but when I heard about this, it caught my eye,” grill master and former steak enthusiast Chad McMahon stated. “I was skeptical at first, but after finding out that soy doesn’t actually give you tits or mess with your hormones, I ended up switching to complete plant proteins like quinoa, tofu, tempeh, edamame, hemp, amaranth, nutritional yeast, and buckwheat noodles: My girlfriend calls my dick ‘Beyond Meat’ because I’m penetrating deeper than ever and yesterday she didn’t even have to ask me if it was in!”
Lead researcher, Dr. Linda Feldman, said she never expected the response to be this extreme.
“For years, studies warned that meat causes heart disease and cancer, but this time we also measured blood flow and the size of the penis — and suddenly, men paid attention.”
Butchers, farmers, and meat packing companies have already begun lobbying against the study, with Tyson Foods stating “size isn’t everything” and warning men that, “although eating meat is proven to cause heart disease and cancer, going vegan will probably lead to homosexuality and chronic smugness, especially if you literally increase your Big Dick Energy levels like this. It’s just science.”
As for fast-food chains, McDonald’s has reportedly begun work on a plant-based, very thick, 12-inch “McWeiner” while KFC announced a partnership with Impossible Foods to create “The KFC Impossibly Big Cock Bucket’.
Researchers warn that imitation meat like this is not actually part of the healthier vegan diet adhered to by men in the study, but that these options would still be better for health, blood flow, and penis size than a diet that includes meat.
For many men, it appears that the decision is clear.
“Look, I LOVED BACON and I TRULY DID NOT CARE that pigs are smarter than my dogs, but 2.5 inches is bigger than 2 inches!” said one Reddit user. “I used to joke that vegans were weak soy boys, but now I’m the one getting extra firm – just like my tofu.”