President Trump is refusing to recall nearly 37 million bananas after discovering that genetically modified seeds had retained penile DNA as the result of a laboratory incident involving lewd acts between Trump’s Head of the FDA, Martin Makary, and a non-consenting lab rat.

The contaminated bananas in question primarily grew in Costa Rica and Guatemala and have already been sold in grocery stores across the southern United States. 

This DNA fiasco occurs just months after a shipment addressed to Elon Musk of 2.2 million bananas from Columbia directly to Mar-a-Lago were discovered to have been laced with ketamine.

When pressed by reporters about the banana situation, Trump pushed back.

“Some folks are upset about the bananas. But, a lot of people are saying the bananas are stronger now — better than ever. Maybe there’s a little extra in there, who knows. But this is what people voted for, OK? We’re not doing the weak fruit anymore.”

The FDA says that “consumers can tell if they have purchased a penis banana if, when peeled, the banana looks like a circumcised dick.”

“Technically, people who have eaten these bananas have – in every practical sense – eaten my penis,” Head of the FDA, Martin Makary, grinned before peeling and taking a big bite of one of the contaminated crops.

“The only difference is there’s more protein and a touch of human DNA,” Makary added. “And when you really think about it, aren’t we always breathing in human skin flakes? So what’s really changed!?”

As of press time, grocery stores were reporting that the penis bananas had sold out almost instantly in the southern United States — primarily to patriotic men who insisted on disposing of them personally, and in private, for America.