Washington Redskins Keep Name, Change Mascot to Red Potato

Well, it’s not what anyone expected, but it’s something. The Washington Redskins have announced that they will be keeping their name, but changing their mascot to a red potato. “You’ll notice that the red potato has a red colored skin on it, making the vegetable directly applicable to the name,” Redskins majority owner Daniel Snyder stated. “And as a nod to our past, we’ve kept the two feathers. Sure, the design is atrocious, but as an organization we’ll be saving millions on rebranding.” Interestingly, the Redskins decision has inspired other teams such as the Kansas City Chiefs to consider the new mascot Master Chief from Halo and the Altanta Braves to adopt the character Merida from the movie Brave. Advertisements


Aunt Jemima Officially Changes Its Name to ‘Antifa Jemima’


Quaker Oats announced today that their Aunt Jemima brand syrups and pancake mix will be renamed Antifa Jemima. The switch to using the word ‘Antifa,’ which stands for anti-fascist, signals the beginning of the end of racism during breakfast time. “Aunt Jemima’s origin is based on a deeply offensive racial stereotype, so we’re making a big change,” Quaker Oats spokesperson Jacquie Powers stated. “Whereas ‘Aunt Jemima’ is flat out racist, ‘Antifa Jemima’ is flipping the script to counterbalance the damage our brand has caused for decades. Consider this name change just a small part of the sticky-sweet justice of reparations.” Original photo credit

Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes Gives His MVP Trophy to a Nearby Native American Tribe

“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt

Rand Paul’s neighbor beats his ass again


After demanding that the whistleblower be revealed at a Trump rally last night, Senator Rand Paul was met at the front door of his Bowling Green home by fellow libertarian and neighbor Tim Dunleavy who immediately began kicking the ever-living shit out of him once again. “It’s great being Rand’s neighbor,” Dunleavy stated. “Sometimes I’ll walk over there to borrow sugar, and other times he opens the door and I just drop the motherfucker.” “Rand’s a fake, plain and simple,” Dunleavy grinned while cleaning the blood off his knuckles. Nothing says ‘libertarian’ like intimidating people who point out abuses of government power.”

Trump Explains Why He Hasn’t Made a Homophobic Nickname For Pete Buttigieg, Yet

“When I think of something, you better believe I’m going to go right up to him, get right on Peter and really ride him. Just unload on him with everything I’ve got – and I’ve got a lot. Just ask Melania. I’ve been trying to finish for quite a while, and when I do it’s going to feel great folks. Just great.”

Washington Redskins Justify Keeping Name in 2019 by Drafting a Native American in the First Round

“The Washington Redskins select any Native American. That’s right. Any. Just send anyone, but preferably someone athletic or okay with doing commercials.”

Trump Opens Marketing Company Called ‘Trump Consultation by Trump’

“Watch for the return of Toys “R” Trump, chains of Trumpback Steakhouse, Trumpley-Donaldson motorcycles and Old Trumpy Buffet.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders

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