Due To Ruble Crash, Republicans Who Can’t Afford New Outfits Won’t Attend State Of The Union

Most Republicans in Congress have decided against attending today’s State of the Union. The decision came after they realized that – due to the Russian ruble’s drop in value – they’re suddenly broke and unable to buy new clothes for … Continue reading Due To Ruble Crash, Republicans Who Can’t Afford New Outfits Won’t Attend State Of The Union

Jared Kushner says we paid blacks too much nba capitalism

Jared Kushner on NBA: ‘This is What We Get for Paying the Blacks So Well’

The NBA playoffs were postponed Wednesday as many players were calling to end the season while demanding justice for Jacob Blake – yet another Black man who was wrongfully shot by the police. Players let NBA leadership know that they … Continue reading Jared Kushner on NBA: ‘This is What We Get for Paying the Blacks So Well’

Goya Sued For Assaulting Conservatives With Flavor, Spices in Products

Thousands of Americans’ lives have flashed before their eyes in the past 24 hours after Goya CEO Robert Unanue announced that he was a huge Donald Trump supporter. Since the statement, conservatives everywhere began buying up Goya products, despite being … Continue reading Goya Sued For Assaulting Conservatives With Flavor, Spices in Products

Disney Redesigns ‘It’s a Small World’ as ‘It’s a Big World and We Need to Check Our Biases and Accept Everyone for Their Differences Without Passing Unfair Judgement’

Disney parks in Florida and California announced today that they will be giving the classic Fantasyland ride ‘It’s a Small World’ a complete makeover in order to bring the ride up to speed with modern times. The ride will notably … Continue reading Disney Redesigns ‘It’s a Small World’ as ‘It’s a Big World and We Need to Check Our Biases and Accept Everyone for Their Differences Without Passing Unfair Judgement’

Costco Bans People for Not Wearing Face Masks

Costco: ‘Mask Boycott Has Undoubtedly Improved the Quality of Our Clientele’

Lines, foot traffic, parking, and people have now become reasonable at Costco locations across the country thanks to a nationwide boycott of the chain by idiots who refuse to follow the store’s mask-wearing requirement. Costco says the boycott has ‘undoubtedly … Continue reading Costco: ‘Mask Boycott Has Undoubtedly Improved the Quality of Our Clientele’

President Trump says he might boycott 2020 debates after running out of “the best words”

President Trump announced today that he may not participate in the 2020 Presidential Debates after realizing that he’s used up every last one of his best words. “I’ve said ’em all folks. All of my best, most tremendous words. Every … Continue reading President Trump says he might boycott 2020 debates after running out of “the best words”

Woke Twitter finally joins majority of Americans already boycotting the Hallmark Channel for exclusively pumping out basic white bitch content

Without needing a hashtag to trend on Twitter, most Americans with any taste say they were already boycotting the Hallmark Channel by simply scrolling past it in the TV guide. Meanwhile, the remainder of Americans tuning in will be treated … Continue reading Woke Twitter finally joins majority of Americans already boycotting the Hallmark Channel for exclusively pumping out basic white bitch content

Mattel’s new genderless dolls are infuriating conservative collectors

Mattel has announced a new line of inclusive, customizable, genderless dolls that welcome everyone to play with their toys. The new dolls do not feature breasts or other sex or gender-related characteristics – leaving conservative doll collectors furious. “My brain … Continue reading Mattel’s new genderless dolls are infuriating conservative collectors

Boycotting Walmart? Take your sister to Arby’s for your next date instead

Countless firearm fanatics are boycotting Walmart after the company ended some of its ammunition sales and banned customers from walking around the stores with their dicks out guns. Meanwhile, Arby’s hasn’t changed how they’ve been selling ammunition since they opened … Continue reading Boycotting Walmart? Take your sister to Arby’s for your next date instead

Somewhat vigilant Americans order last round of breadsticks before boycotting Olive Garden

After learning that Olive Garden’s parent company donates to the Trump campaign, liberals everywhere are asking for one last tinfoil bag of over-salted, buttery goodness before never setting foot in the glorified salad bar again. As of press time, boycotters … Continue reading Somewhat vigilant Americans order last round of breadsticks before boycotting Olive Garden

Awful Commercial Angers Men, Causes Hipsters to Shave Beards

Gillette says they intend to replace the marketing team with all female, yet conservative employees “so both sides shut up.” Continue reading Awful Commercial Angers Men, Causes Hipsters to Shave Beards

Indiana Passes Law to Build Border Fence in Response to Travel Bans

In his official comments on the passage of the new fence bill, Pence stated that this would it make a statement telling other states to “butt out of Indiana politics,” but also, it would “add hundreds of thousands of minimum wage jobs for the state and effectively negate the effects of major companies and events leaving or boycotting Indiana.” Continue reading Indiana Passes Law to Build Border Fence in Response to Travel Bans