Former NBA player Charles Barkley was checked into the hospital last night after he told a stunned TV audience that NBA, NFL, and NHL players should be given the COVID-19 vaccine first “because they pay more in taxes.” By the time he finished his statement, Barkley’s body had already subconsciously removed his right shoe and sock from his foot and begun pulling the appendage up to his mouth. He then unhinged his jaw and firmly lodged the entire size 16 foot into his mouth before the show cut to commercial. As of press time Barkley’s foot had been successfully removed from his mouth, but doctors warned that – because of his unchecked privilege – the former athlete is also very susceptible to getting his head stuck up his own ass.
The NBA playoffs were postponed Wednesday as many players were calling to end the season while demanding justice for Jacob Blake – yet another Black man who was wrongfully shot by the police. Players let NBA leadership know that they are “financially set and able to strike indefinitely,” if that’s what it takes for change to come to the US. In response to these events, president Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner had an on-air meltdown during which he made racist comments while accidentally criticizing capitalism. “Listen. We’ve made the biggest mistake possible in a capitalistic society: paying people – let alone minorities – enough money to escape wage slavery and remove themselves from the machine,” Kushner stated. “We’ve allowed them to be able to afford to take a stand against the system itself. Make no mistake, this is what we get for paying the Blacks so well. Now they want equal treatment or they won’t entertain us. Hopefully the NBA has learned something from all of this.”
NBA fans are divided over a new camera angle that the league tested out during the Lakers vs Clippers game on Christmas Day. The view, which points the camera directly up players’ shorts when they are anywhere in the key, was sponsored by Nike to provide better shots of players’ shoes. “We only had the best intentions,” Nike CEO Mark Parker stated. “We saw a marketing opportunity and took it. We didn’t even think for a second that professional basketball players would consider wearing boxers, much less no underwear during a game.” Those watching the Christmas Day game were frequently treated to 3-second live shots of private parts jostling about as Lakers center JaVale McGee posted up and pushed for positioning against Ivica Zubac – neither player was wearing any underwear.
“The only sexual contact permitted in China for the foreseeable future will be homosexual in nature,” President Jinping stated while intertwining his fingers with NBA star Yao Ming.