In his first official act in response to the deadly Texas flooding, President Trump announced the first-ever tariffs to be placed on Heaven.
Citing what he called a “clear breach of contract” by God, Trump blamed the death and destruction in Texas on “Heaven’s failure to uphold the sacred Rainbow Deal.”
“He said he wouldn’t do the big floods again, this God. But I think we all saw what happened during our holiest of weekends: the 4th of July,” Trump told reporters. “You gotta stay tough with these other leaders or they’ll walk all over you!”
Trump then questioned God’s motives and character.
“In Heaven they don’t let people get sick, they don’t have to work, everything’s free, there’s no money, everyone’s treated very nicely,” Trump frowned. “I’m just gonna say it: God is a socialist. And Jesus!? Also the same guy somehow. Very confusing. It’s at least one guy inside another guy’s body. Maybe I’d get it if it was his own daughter. Very strange, very unnatural. You can’t trust the rainbow people.”
“Bottom line. This was an unfair act by a morally-loose deity. And they’ve had it too good for too long,” Trump stated. “They have zero taxes and zero accountability. Frankly, Heaven’s been ripping us off!”
As of press time, God had not responded to calls for comment from reporters, but Heaven did issue an official statement, which read:
“It is with great sadness that Heaven announces retaliatory measures. The fact is that God could flood 99.99% of the planet and He would still be keeping His word. The United States is on its own. As part of our counter-sanctions, Jesus will no longer appear on toast, potato chips, or fast-food grease patterns within U.S. borders until Mr. Trump removes these unnecessary tariffs. Until then, Americans will have to pray twice as hard and often to receive the same forgiveness and salvation.”
An hour later, in a statement from Hell co-signed by the Devil, Adolf Hitler praised Trump.
“Despite his struggle, Führer Trump is crafting his own Heaven on Earth: pure, white, orderly. Just how I imagined it. God may have sent a flood, but Trump’s camps will cleanse the land permanently. Finally, someone is fixing creation’s mistakes!”