Elizabeth Warren Becomes Spokeswoman for New Lesbian Dating App Mufflr

According to their website, Mufflr is being funded by powerful lesbians Ellen Degeneres and Hillary Clinton.

Uber Adds Rude ‘Shut Up’ Button to Silence Drivers During Rides

“The abrupt endings of these conversations will lead to awkward silences, but the thrill of a total power trip makes it all worth it.”

The Science of The Butt Dial: How Your Booty Calls People Without You Knowing

“Contrary to popular belief, fingerlike appendages do not exit the butt and press on the phone screen, that’s poop you’re thinking of.”

Massive Opium Fields to Be Burned Off in Wisconsin After Monsanto-Bayer Merger Fails

“Now it looks like we’re going to have to burn off about 16 square miles of mature opium crop. So if you live in the area, buckle the [expletive] up on Saturday.”

Tim Cook Swallows an Entire iPhone XS Max to Prove It’s Environmentally Friendly

YouReadyGrandma

“I’m sorry. I didn’t get that,” Siri apologized as a wide-eyed Cook choked on a chunk of the XS Max.

Johnson & Johnson Releases New ‘Extra Tears’ Baby Shampoo

YouReadyGrandma

Johnson & Johnson is introducing the product after research proved that about 87% of parents were looking for ways to “get back at their babies” – in a fairly harmless way – for the countless sleepless nights, spit-ups, disgusting diapers, nasty farts and constant fussing.”

Eric Trump is Currently Locked in a Room That’s Being Pumped Full of Pollution

YouReadyGrandma

Mr. Cox has locked Eric Trump in the White House’s cold storage room next to the bowling alley in an attempt to show that air pollution does not harm humans.

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