Kanye West Says He’ll Pull Out Of Coachella If Billie Eilish Doesn’t Apologize For Being Mean To Him In The Dream He Had Last Night

Continue reading Kanye West Says He’ll Pull Out Of Coachella If Billie Eilish Doesn’t Apologize For Being Mean To Him In The Dream He Had Last Night

Frontier-Spirit Merger Cancelled After Airlines Try To Charge Each Other Millions In Hidden Fees

A Frontier and Spirit Airline merger fell through just hours after being announced this morning when both companies realized that the other had slipped in hundreds of millions of dollars in hidden ‘merger fees’. “It was a wonderful idea to … Continue reading Frontier-Spirit Merger Cancelled After Airlines Try To Charge Each Other Millions In Hidden Fees

‘Instagram Kids’ Cancelled After Matt Gaetz Obtains Beta Testing Profile

Facebook announced today that the company will be halting its creation of the new ‘Instagram Kids’ platform after discovering that Florida representative Matt Gaetz – who is under investigation for sex trafficking and sex with a minor – had somehow … Continue reading ‘Instagram Kids’ Cancelled After Matt Gaetz Obtains Beta Testing Profile

Unimpressed: Richard Branson Said He Was ‘Over Space’ Only Seconds Into Weightlessness

Sources are reporting that billionaire Richard Branson quickly became bored with today’s space flight just seconds after passengers began experiencing weightlessness. “The spaceship was at the top of its flight path, 50-plus miles high, suspended in weightlessness while allowing the … Continue reading Unimpressed: Richard Branson Said He Was ‘Over Space’ Only Seconds Into Weightlessness

Kevin McCarthy Asks Journalists To Write Party Affiliation as Q-Calif

Kevin McCarthy Announces Republican Party Has Officially Changed Its Name To ‘QAnon’

While talking to reporters outside of the United States Capitol today, House Republican Leader Kevin McCarthy told journalists that he would appreciate it if they would refer to members of the Republican party as ‘QAnon’ from here on out. “As … Continue reading Kevin McCarthy Announces Republican Party Has Officially Changed Its Name To ‘QAnon’

Man Who Has Never Celebrated Columbus Day Says He’ll Be Livid if It’s Cancelled

Unsure of exactly what Columbus Day is, or how or why people celebrate it, local man Tim Morris of Delafield, Wisconsin says he’ll be absolutely livid if lawmakers remove the holiday. “This doesn’t impact Tim or anyone I know at … Continue reading Man Who Has Never Celebrated Columbus Day Says He’ll Be Livid if It’s Cancelled

Priest Who Finally Has Church All to Himself Dances Around in the Nude

With church services across the US cancelled and “God continuing to rightfully punish humans with the coronavirus,” Father Joseph Stevenson of St. Elmo’s Fire Church in Birmingham, Alabama decided to strip nude in his empty church and frolic about; just … Continue reading Priest Who Finally Has Church All to Himself Dances Around in the Nude

Unaware of Coronavirus, Nickelback Continues Tour of Playing to Empty Stadiums

Completely oblivious of the Coronavirus, Canadian rock band Nickelback has continued the United States leg of their “All the Right Reasons” world tour as the typical crowd size of seven people hasn’t dwindled since the outbreak began. Public health officials … Continue reading Unaware of Coronavirus, Nickelback Continues Tour of Playing to Empty Stadiums

British Airways will exclusively fly people infected with coronavirus to keep passengers safe

British Airways announced today that they’ll be denying all healthy passengers access to flights both to and from China. Instead, the company says it will offer flights exclusively to people infected with the coronavirus. “Our pilots, flight attendants, baggage handlers, … Continue reading British Airways will exclusively fly people infected with coronavirus to keep passengers safe

Tim Cook Swallows an Entire iPhone XS Max to Prove It’s Environmentally Friendly

“I’m sorry. I didn’t get that,” Siri apologized as a wide-eyed Cook choked on a chunk of the XS Max. Continue reading Tim Cook Swallows an Entire iPhone XS Max to Prove It’s Environmentally Friendly

President Trump Has Invited Nick Sandmann to Stand Six Inches From His Face at the State of The Union Address

“Nick will be up there competing for the same oxygen supply as the President for roughly an hour.” Continue reading President Trump Has Invited Nick Sandmann to Stand Six Inches From His Face at the State of The Union Address

BREAKING: Supreme Court Cancels 2016 Election, Unanimously

BREAKING: (D.C.) In an unprecedented judicial move, the United States Supreme Court has just used its power to halt the 2016 Presidential election on the grounds of an obscure, little-known, yet legitimate measure found in The U.S. Constitution. With one … Continue reading BREAKING: Supreme Court Cancels 2016 Election, Unanimously