After experiencing discomfort in his chest last night, Senator Bernie Sanders went ahead and shouted at a blockage in his arteries until it cleared and his blood pressure returned to normal. “I’m not going to sit here and let 1% of my body shut down the other 99%,” Sanders confirmed. Unlike with their typical patients, doctors are recommending that the Senator continue with the loud, guttural shouting to keep his blood pumping regularly. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
A visibly flush Nancy Pelosi revealed at a press conference today that the infamous Trump pee tape is now in the hands of the democrats. “The tape doesn’t add anything to the president’s laundry list of naughty, impeachable offenses,” Pelosi said while letting out deep, animalistic moan. “The tape is hot as fuck, with over an hour of a sexy, shirtless, oiled-up Vladimir Putin chugging vodka and urinating into Mr. Trump’s asshole-shaped mouth.” According to the unabashedly aroused Pelosi, the two men share a knowing and unyielding eye contact throughout the interaction. In fact, the only break the two leaders take during the enthralling piss session comes at the 47-minute mark when Trump chokes on Putin’s pee; causing urine to shoot out of his nose. “Mama gets it,” Pelosi giggled while twirling her hair around her finger. “Once you hit your 70’s nothing gets your rocks off unless you’re willing to get a little weird.”
In yet another major misstep, presidential candidate Joe Biden announced at a rally today that he “loves the smell of newborn babies,” adding that “the aroma is even better when they’re cooked.” “I was in the Cayman Islands and my old buddy Corn Pop brought over this free range, breast-fed rotisserie baby meat to my cabana,” Biden grinned. “And let me tell you, baby is softer and juicier than chicken, and the smell is better than hair. Gotta love babies!”
President Trump left a depressing tweet up for nearly an hour before deleting it and tweeting out that “SAD” stands for “syked and determined.”
Award-winning singer/songwriter Mark Ronson came out as trysexual today – meaning he’ll try anything in the bedroom with sexual partners. “It doesn’t matter how nasty the act is, I’ll try it,” Ronson smiled. “You name it, I’ve done it, or I’m probably about to.” Ronson added that being trysexual means he gives every fetish “three good ol’ fashioned tries” before he can decide to never do it again.
President Trump’s fourth remedial English tutor in three years has quit, citing irreconcilable differences regarding words, their accurate usage, how they are spelled and their correct pronunciation. “Mr. Trump may ‘have the best words,’ but they’re frequently made-up or misspelled,” former tutor Mason Thompson stated. “A teacher can’t watch their 73-year-old student insist that a goddamned apostrophe is a fucking hyphen and have any shred if dignity left.” President Trump took to Twitter to respond. Photo by G0h4r
Scientists at the World Health Organization who normally study microplastics have shifted their research to larger macroplastics after millions of Americans have admitted to eating their credit cards. “We cannot stress this enough,” head researcher Franz Blankenmann stated, “eating your maxed-out credit card does not forgive the balance owed.” At this point scientists estimate the average US citizen is ingesting 290 grams of macroplastic per year and experts have no idea what harm it may cause.