“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt
37 year-old Doug Martin of Torrance, California now deeply regrets inviting his parents over to his Super Bowl party after overhearing his mom Maurine Martin half-moan, half-whisper “I don’t care if he lost, that Jimmy Garoppolo can get it, get it. GET IT!” when she thought she was alone in the his kitchen. “I can’t un-hear what I heard,” Martin frowned. “It’s not that Jimmy Garoppolo isn’t hot, because my dad and I both think he is. It’s just that I don’t want to think about my mom in that way.”
Panama City, FL – An incredibly toned groundhog named ‘Chad’ predicted an early spring for 2020 this morning. The announcement came after Chad crawled out of bed and drank a Pedialyte to nurse his hangover before heading over to the gym.
Woke Methamphetamine user Greg Simms of Mobile, Alabama, and tens of thousands of drug users around the world, are refusing to use meth made with Pfizer’s Advil Cold & Sinus. The movement comes in response to the company’s direct role in the opioid epidemic in which Pfizer maliciously funneled Oxycontin through skeezy doctors for years; contributing to countless deaths. “As a result of Pfizer’s actions, meth users everywhere have made the conscious decision to ethically source our ingredients from Pfizer’s competitor Johnson & Johnson,” a nearly toothless Simms stated. “Plus, it’s worth noting that Sudafed is toxin-free, so you get a smooth, zero-guilt hit every time.” As of press time, Johnson & Johnson stock was up 11% – completely offsetting last weeks plummet after it was discovered that their baby powder can cause cancer.
Secretary of Commerce and ventriloquist dummy come-to-life Wilbur Ross publicly announced today that he prays the spread of the coronavirus will bring “death economy jobs” to America. “With the titilating prospect of the coronavirus becoming a global pandemic, citizens will be seeing more work opportunities,” Ross stated. “We’re talking jobs like funeral home manager, gravedigger, coffin designer, face mask and hazmat suit sellers. Hopefully Americans will be able to keep up with the demand.” As of press time, president Trump stated that he wanted to “push the little green start button on a gigantic crematorium machine, like all of the other great leaders have.”
British Airways announced today that they’ll be denying all healthy passengers access to flights both to and from China. Instead, the company says it will offer flights exclusively to people infected with the coronavirus. “Our pilots, flight attendants, baggage handlers, and passengers will all be required to have the virus to board,” CEO Alex Cruz stated. “This way, as we fly sick people around the world, they won’t be infecting their fellow plane riders. Hopefully ideas like this will spread quickly.”
Scientists have discovered the oldest known material on Earth: a pubic hair that’s 7 billion years old. The finding is causing many scientists to rethink their views on religion. “Long ago this hair was most likely tucked away in God’s long, flowing, white robe,” head researcher Brian Heckman stated. “It struck our planet half a century ago, perhaps after being plucked or shaved off by our merciful creator.” Researchers believe the finding will open doors to more religion-based science. “This ancient interstellar crotch crop, made of presolar protiens means there’s more to find,” Heckman stated. “The universe could very well be filled with God’s toenail clippings, nose hairs, and dry skin; we just haven’t been looking for it.”